Anna Post Talks Wedding Etiquette
By
Rachel Cothran
Anna Post, great-granddaughter of the American etiquette icon Emily Post and author of just-released Wedding Parties: Smart Ideas for Stylish Parties, a book designed to gracefully guide brides (and grooms) through the often touchy prewedding party-planning season, talks to The Washingtonian about the dos and don'ts of the wedding world. Wish you could ask for money in lieu of silverware? You can! Your mother is pushing for a church wedding but you want to be married barefoot on the sand? Read on to find out why hearing her out for just five minutes could save you weeks of drama.
A friend asked me to ask you about elopement. Can it be done?
You need to think about whether or not you’re going to hurt someone’s feelings in this process—your parents, a sibling, grandparents. There could be good reasons for an elopement, but to someone like a grandmother it may not matter. They just simply may be hurt. A planned elopement is a little different, and it’s a great option for the kind of couple that doesn’t want a lot of brouhaha. It’s called a second, or belated, reception. That’s when people know you’re going to get married without them there and they know that they will get to have a party with you. Just know that because people weren’t invited to your actual wedding, they aren’t required to bring gifts.
Now, there’s the catch! That’s a good segue into gifts: How does the couple tell their guests where they’re registered? I read in your book that there’s to be no mention of gifts in a wedding invitation.
For showers, it’s okay to include an enclosure about the registry. For wedding invitations, there shouldn’t be any mention of gifts anywhere, even on an enclosure. The guest is to contact you or your parents to find out that information.
My mom thinks this trend of couples registering for common household items, as opposed to china or silver, is strange. What do you think about that, and what are your thoughts on choosing a gift that’s not on a couple’s registry? Is that a faux pas?
It’s perfectly fine for couples to register for unconventional items, especially because a lot of couples already have established households when they come into their marriage. It’s more than okay to buy something not included in the registry. The registry is there to help guide guests. Traditionally, the point of the gift was that you would go out and really try to think about what that person might want, and many people don’t like that the registry takes the thoughtful aspect of it away from the process.
Any advice for engagement parties?
Keep it small. This way, you’ll keep it to 100 percent people you’re sure you will invite to the wedding.
What’s a bride to do if she’s more of a spa-weekend gal versus a tiara-wearing bar-crawl bachelorette?
In a perfect world, these ladies would get together and ask her what she would like to do for her bachelorette party. If that’s not happening, then she can go ahead and go to the people throwing the party and say, “I had some thoughts for what I would love for the bachelorette party . . . .”
It’s really all about communicating effectively, isn’t it? I love your every-idea-for-five-minutes suggestion. Can you explain that a little more?
As a bride, be willing to consider other people’s ideas and contributions for at least five minutes. Let them talk about it. Even if you don’t go with the idea, it gives them a chance to feel included. Remember, you don’t have to commit to anything! Just don’t say, “Yeah, I’d love to do that,” if you really wouldn’t because then you’re stuck.
What are some of the most egregious etiquette offenses you’ve noticed at weddings?
The one thing that I’m starting to see a lot of—and maybe I’m getting old—is dirty dancing on the dance floor. And by that I mean dancing that’s just a little too dirty for parents and grandparents. I’m not saying you can’t have fun, but you need to be mindful of who is watching. And then generally, RSVPs—failing to RSVP at all or on time. Gotta RSVP.
Speaking of potentially embarrassing behavior, what do you do if a guest gets completely trashed at your wedding?
It’s probably best to have someone else handle this so that you don’t end up in the middle of a fiasco that detracts from your day. If you see it happening, talk to someone you trust, either the wedding planner or a close family member or friend, or the person’s date or family member. Pull that person aside and say, “Listen, Tom is just a little too rowdy. Can you see that he gets home safely?” It places the focus on getting the person home safely rather than the inappropriate behavior.
What’s the etiquette surrounding asking for money now?
This is an interesting one. It is okay to ask for money—it’s all in how you do it. When people call up, tell that them you’ll love anything they give to you. But you might say something like “We’d love help with or a donation toward a down payment on our first house.” It helps in two ways: You never have to use the word “money” if you don’t want to, and it tells people what the ultimate gift is. When they feel like they’re paying for an actual gift, people feel a lot more comfortable.
What do you think about the man asking the father for the woman’s hand in marriage?
I think it’s a wonderful tradition. In mainstream American culture and in most other cultures, you don’t have to do that anymore, but I think it’s really, really nice. These days, it’s often addressed with both parents, not just the father. If you’re marrying someone of another culture or a religion you’re not familiar with, you might want to check and see what the norm is just to start things off on the right foot.
So after all of this research, how do you envision your own wedding?
Something decently small. I want people to really enjoy themselves, have a good time, and feel comfortable—not that they’re participating in “how Emily Post would do a wedding perfectly.” There will be lots of peonies, that’s for sure. Thoughts? Share them in the comments section. To read the latest Bridal Party blog posts, click here.
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Category Tags: Miscellaneous
Comments
Dear Anna Post,
Good morning. Hope you are doing well. I would greatly appreciate any advice you have to offer regarding my issue below.
Let me begin with a little background. I am very excited as a bride-to-be!!! My future husband and I actually met 20 years ago as children via his cousin (a close friend of mine) at our First Holy Communion. We did not live near each other, but met again 17 years later at their grandfather’s wake (where I was showing support for my friend, also, his cousin). About one month went by and we kept thinking about each other, and come to find out he mentioned to his aunt and cousin he would like to see me again, and we both said, neither of us believed in love at first sight, until we ‘re-met’ that day. We dated for 2 years and he proposed the same day we originally met, at the First Holy Communion 19 years later to the day.
I have been a bridesmaid seven times, and understand the responsibilities of being a bridal attendant. My MOH gathered some ideas of locations and dates to host a bridal shower for me. She communicated with the five bridesmaids asking their opinion, if they had any date conflicts, and what financially each felt they may be able to contribute. In response to that, three of the bridesmaids, said, absolutely they would love to contribute however they can. Yet, two of my bridesmaids (who are sisters) responded saying they are unable to contribute anything and it was rude and disgraceful that my MOH would even ask. They referenced Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette book, which I let them borrow for my friend’s wedding last summer, saying “it is not the bridesmaids’ responsibility to host the bridal shower; it should be a small intimate event thrown by aunts, cousins, or friends.” (To which my MOH thought, how do they categorize themselves if they’re not friends enough to help host the shower?)
Honestly, I wish I did not know any of this. My cousin communicated they’re response to my mother, I believe because she was not prepared for such a response and at that point was reaching out for help to change the shower venue to my mother’s home from a restaurant, (because my MOH lives out of town). Although my cousin did not want me to find out about my two bridesmaids responses, my mother was too upset to not tell me, and she let it slip. Since then, I have felt nothing but hurt. I have known these two ladies for 20 years, I was beyond ecstatic when one asked me to be in her wedding. I would do anything for them, and no one needed to ASK me to participate in her wedding, every time I had a couple days off from work during the year of her wedding planning, I spent at her home helping in any way I could. I called, I don’t even know how many places for her shower and bachelorette party, and I wasn’t even her MOH. I put the down-payment in for her bachelorette party, to only then hear from her sister (the MOH), that she and her mother had decided to change the venue without discussing it with me, after extensively discussing the bachelorette party with the MOH. Her sister’s (also her MOH) response to me was, “well, I hope you can get your deposit back for my sister’s bachelorette party.” To which I responded, “My deposit?” “I thought it was the bridesmaids’ deposit.” Additionally, I began visiting restaurants and hotels in the area in January (her wedding was Aug. 2010) for bridal shower pricing, and brought all the menus and info back to her MOH and mother. I drafted a shower guest list and sent it to her MOH as well. (Keep in mind, during her wedding planning I lived and worked out of town.) After several weeks, I did not hear back from her MOH or mother, and called them, to find out my bridal shower ideas were dismissed, and her mother planned the whole thing, and I responded, oh, wow, what do I owe?” Her mother wanted to throw it all herself, and I received an invitation in the mail saying, “bridal shower given with love by bride’s mother.” Since I’m on a tangent, allow me to add, I asked both bridesmaids over one year in advance of my wedding to be bridesmaids, before my one friend was even engaged, and they both immediately responded, “yes, of course.” So, they have had more than enough time, if our friendship and my wedding were a priority to them, to save a little bit of money each month or so to contribute. However, I should have thought before asking them, that neither had been bridal attendants before, and probably said yes, without realizing the commitment.
I digress, I apologize. Am I overly hurt and upset about this? I would give them a kidney, and they won’t give me a penny. I went over to talk to these bridesmaids face-to-face, and neither of them felt they did anything wrong, and said they were surprised in fact, that I did not stand up for them. I just started crying at that point. With the words I could get out, I said, I am not hurt about the money, I am hurt that you insulted my family, and that I thought you would want to contribute in some way, even if it were offering to address invitations or help decorate; we have been friends for almost 20 years, and I was very hurt and felt disrespected by your response.
I honestly believe since they have little experience as being bridesmaids, and her mother threw her daughter’s bridal shower, that they believe that is how it is suppose to be done and that my mother should host mine; it is not their responsibility. (They may be forgetting, she has a mother and father who threw her wedding. I have my mother, a single parent, my father passed away three years ago, and as a single parent, she cannot pay for absolutely everything. So, it was nice and different to have a mother throw the shower, but in my mother’s case, it is not possible, and my MOH was just trying to do something nice, also know, my MOH alone, cannot host a bridal shower.) At this point, I do not even want a bridal shower with all this drama! It has become a financial and emotional burden for everyone involved, and I do not want my family and friends to feel this is an obligation; I would want someone to throw me a shower, simply because they wanted to. I even told both my MOH and mother that I do not even need one; I already have kitchen and bathroom stuff from my old apartment. To which they responded, no, you are getting a proper shower come hell or high water. There is just too much tension now, my MOH is hesitant to communicate with those two bridesmaids, and in the coming months, we are all going to be in close quarters. I am unsure what to do, if anything.
I truly appreciate your advice.
Sincerely,
Christina
Posted by: Christina, Apr 07, 2011 10:42:35 AM
is it appropriate for family members to give a party for the couple as long as it is not a shower?
Posted by: susan , Feb 24, 2009 11:36:44 AM
Asking for a daughter’s hand in marriage is "a wonderful tradition"? Good grief, Ms. Post, do you actually appreciate being treated like chattel? This "wonderful tradition" dates back to when a woman was a piece of personal property, first of her father, next of her husband. It wasn’t about romance, it was about acquiring legal ownership! If my fiance had asked my parents’ permission before proposing to me, I’d have had a serious discussion with all of them! I’m not a thing to be passed on from one man to another; I’m a human being with exactly the same legal rights as my fiance. This is a tradition that should continue to fade away, and fast.
Posted by: Deborah, Feb 07, 2008 02:05:25 PM
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