Remember when you used to be able to just go to a movie? Back in the halcyon days when sodas weren’t the size of a small car (and didn’t have the same price tag), actors took on roles for sums smaller than the GDP of Romania, and the first you heard about the new Star Trek movie was when you read a review of it in Variety (sigh, print media)?
Well, those days are long gone, and since we’re unable to avoid the hype for Baz Luhrmann’s new Great Gatsby adaptation, we might as well break down the five most ridiculous promotional tie-ins with the movie, which comes out this week. What’s that you mutter about a Washington connection? Well, F. Scott Fitzgerald is buried in Rockville, so there’s that.
5) The Great Gatsby Video Game: All right, so this one isn’t strictly a movie tie-in (although it’s gone all sorts of viral this week as anticipation about seeing Leonardo DiCaprio wearing a pocket square builds to a pitch only bats can hear). But this one, at Slate, is, and it’s frustrating and silly. JUST LET ME ROW TO THE AMERICAN DREAM, DAMMIT.
4) The hosiery: There are literally TENS of occasions where I’ve been watching a film only to stop and wonder where the stars got their pantyhose (The Rocky Horror Picture Show springs immediately to mind). Luckily, with The Great Gatsby, if you love the stockings that Carey et al. are wearing, you can purchase them for the bargain price of $75 to $110 from Fogal.
3): The official tie-in book: Random House Australia is so proud of the fact that it gets to publish the “official film tie-in version” of The Great Gatsby that it sent out a press release about it. Hey, Random House? You know this was a book FIRST, right? You know this isn’t like the time someone novelized The Sixth Sense? The Penguin cover of The Great Gatsby is perfect, so if you’re the kind of person who’d rather buy an issue with Isla Fisher pouting on it, then good luck to you. Just don’t come crying to me when you find out there’s no character named Beyoncé.
2) The $200,000 Tiffany headpiece: Its total carat weight is 25.04. It costs more than many Midwestern houses. But it features a detachable brooch, so think how useful it’ll be come Hamptons season! There’s also a “fancy” yellow diamond ring inspired by The Great Gatsby on sale for $385,000 and a flower-shaped diamond ring that’s a steal at $875,000. This is why the terrorists hate us.
1) The Trump Hotel’s Great Gatsby package: What’s more ridiculous than someone buying an $875,000 ring because a movie told them to? Donald Trump. I’m currently caught in an ouroboros-like dilemma, because half of me wants to deprive The Donald of the oxygen of publicity in the hopes he’ll eventually disappear to the same bouffant-friendly island as Elvis, and half of me wants to tell you about the $14,999 three-night stay at Trump New York for people who really, really love Baz Luhrmann adaptations of great American novels. So you win, Donald. For a dollar less than 15 grand, you, too, can stay in a suite with views of Central Park and dine at Jean-Georges. Even better: Ladies get a lovely Art Deco cuff designed by Ivanka Trump (and it comes with a personal note signed by Ivanka herself), and gents get cufflinks and a custom-tailored shirt and suit from Bergdorf’s. Know what else you could do for $14,999? Rent this three-bedroom house in Southampton for the month of July and live the Gatsby dream. I’ll send you a personalized note. Seriously.