Thursday, March 14
WINE: Sample from up to 80 different wines (your liver asks you to not try all of them) with the National Museum of Women in the Arts’ Around the World in 80 Sips. Light appetizers will be served. Only VIP tickets remain, which include early admission and pours from a few wines only available to you. Tickets ($125) are available online. 6:30 PM.
ST. PATRICK’S DAY: The Capital Club’s annual Shamrock Soiree is tonight, giving you the chance to get semi-dressed up while still getting blarney-ed up. It’s kind of like a college frat party in that tickets are arbitrarily more expensive for men; the party hosts also want women to dress up as “burlesque leprechauns,” while guys get away with “glowstick casual.” Open bar for the first hour. Tickets ($10 for women, $20 for men) are available online. 10 PM.
Friday, March 15
COFFEE: Think you’re a discerning java-holic? Prove it at Counter Culture Coffee, which is doing blind taste tests of some of the best coffees roasted up from around the country. The brews are poured in sets of three cups, and your refined palate decides which one is not like the others. $5 (free for spectators, if you're into that). 7 PM.
COMEDY: The Dunes hosts Consensual Sext, a night of scandalous standup featuring five local comics and one musician (Margot Macdonald) to close out the show. $5 suggested donation. 7 PM.
MORNING BEER: Elliot in the Morning’s annual Kegs and Eggs St. Patrick’s Day bash is here. Those of you furloughed, “working from home,” or just plain brash enough to call in sick on a Friday will be treated to probably the most popular fake Irish band in the world, the Dropkick Murphys. Like the sun rises, Carbon Leaf will also be there, for what feels like the tenth year in a row. Free. 7 AM.
MORE MORNING BEER: Georgetown’s Baked and Wired hands out free Guinness between 7 and 10 AM every St. Patrick’s Day (or on the 15th this year, whatever). Grab one—and a coffee for after—then head to the office. Free. 7 AM.
Saturday, March 16
BIKE: Lots of you are dedicated cyclists, but make sure you’re really up for the Big Stinky Hill Climb Challenge before you sign up—bikers really don’t like climbing the massive hill near Catholic University. To protest the delayed construction of the Metropolitan Branch Trail, which would bypass Big Stinky, a group of bikers are going to race up the thing. There will be other competitions and activities for those whose hobbies don’t include riding up steep things. Free. Noon.
BLOWOUT: Besides DC United soccer, ShamrockFest is about the only thing you can count on to still happen at RFK Stadium. It’s essentially an exact replica of what a teen movie would expect a St. Patrick’s Day blowout to be: lots of Guinness, bros in leprechaun hats, and a ton of middling bands that are relevant only once a year. This year you’ve got Sublime With Rome, Virginia Coalition, the Mahones, Carbon Leaf, the Fighting Jamesons (really), and Celkilt. Find tickets ($30 regular, $85 VIP) online. 1 PM.
DRINK: Rumors’ St. Patrick’s Day party features best Irish jig and outfit contests, a bagpiper and Irish dancers, and Coors Lights that cost just a buck and change (if you get there early). $5. 3 PM to 2 AM.
DANCE: For something a little more traditional, St. Stephen’s church is hosting the Sligo Creek Stompers Paddy’s Day Dance, which will feature lots of contra, square, and ceilis dances. The band play swing, Irish fiddle tunes, and other roots music, but you can expect them to go a bit heavy on the Irish stuff, for obvious reasons. $5 to $20 (sliding scale donation). 7 PM.
Sunday, March 17
READING (KINDA): Last time our Naked Girls Reading writeup may or may not have helped get the event canceled (sorry!). They say they’ve got things figured out this time, so if you’ve been holding your breath, check them out at their new venue, the DC Arts Center. This month, three women will read aloud from books about urban legends while wearing nothing at all. That’s pretty much it. Tickets ($20) are available online. 10 PM.
BAR: Fadó in Chinatown is doing what it does on St. Patrick’s Day—preparing for a huge crowd. If you get there before noon, you’ll get in free; after it’s $10. Lloyd Dobbler Effect and 40 Thieves provide musical entertainment. 7 AM to close.
PARADE: The annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade gets started at noon at heads down Constitution Ave. from Seventh to 17th streets, Northwest. Grandstands are between 15th and 16th streets, and each marching group will stop there to perform. Free.
Know of something cool going on around town? E-mail Jason Koebler at email@example.com, or find him on Twitter.