Kate: You ready for some Top Chef time?
Alejandro: You bet. I’m two beers in already, FYI.
Alejandro: BTW, how gut-wrenching is it to rewatch Carla lose?
Kate: I know!
Alejandro: Here we go.
Kate: Gael Greene. Shows her face!!
Alejandro: The Gael Greene crazy-hat watch starts now.
Alejandro: Where is Padma?
Kate: Glad family products are back.
Kate: Padma’s going to do the regular Top Chef.
Alejandro: NO PADMA?!
Alejandro: Also, I recognized ZERO chefs from the intro.
Alejandro: Tom Colicchio!
Alejandro: I LOVE TOM!
Kate: Tom’s on the other side of the plate here, huh?
Alejandro: Hubert Keller, I remember him from last season’s Top Chef finale.
Alejandro: Love or hate the Fabio-lous hair?
Kate: It goes with the personality, I think. Let’s hope it doesn’t fall in the food!
Alejandro: So what’s the show’s format anyway? Where are all the other chefs? I’m confused.
Kate: I think there are only a few chefs per episode. Patience, young grasshopper.
Kate: Tim Love cooks in a cowboy hat!?!?
Alejandro: At least there is no risk of his hair getting on the food.
Alejandro: Kelly is no Padma .
Kate: I think Padma’s hotter.
Alejandro: Plus, Kelly looks like she could eat some burgers. Padma could teach her a thing or two about that. Kate: Wait, eight year-old girls are the judges for the MASTERS?
Alejandro: Not a good start. Not good at all
Kate: Who’s gonna make a Thin Mint?
Alejandro: I’m the one who needs a shot of tequila, not Tim.
Kate: Cowboy starts early.
Alejandro: I can’t focus on what Hubert is saying.
Alejandro: I’m just worried about the hair in my food. And what’s this about him swimming with the dolphins?
Kate: Luckily, I can’t get the captions to come off my TV, so it’s all translated for me.
Kate: Chicken-fried strawberry!?!?! He’s gonna give those little sparrows heart attacks.
Alejandro: Or an eating disorder. Too far?
Kate: There’s the Monogram-oven plug.
Kate: “Who doesn’t like dessert on a stick?” says Christopher Lee . . .
Alejandro: Kids as judges aside, I think this is an interesting challenge to start with.
Alejandro: Like Kelly said, this is a challenge all Top Chef-ers have struggled with.
Kate: Schlow’s desserts look like, um . . . ew.
Kate: And he wasn’t even drinking.
Alejandro: Also, why are Tom and Gail back but not Padma? It’s because of that sleazy burger commercial isn’t it?
Kate: Let’s see what the cute girls think.
Alejandro: Michael’s dessert looks like turds.
Kate: Haha, apparently they taste like Tagalongs . . . mmmm I love those.
Alejandro: Tim’s food looks nice at least.
Alejandro: Good presentation, but chicken-fried strawberry is just too odd for me.
Kate: Yeah, a little fried crazy.
Kate: Hubert’s badass.
Alejandro: Hubert is a hit.
Kate: Oh, here’s the dessert on the stick. A little burnt.
Alejandro: Little redhead judge is tough—I like her.
Kate: Can they put a Top Chef badge on their sashes?
Alejandro: Wait—this is new. What’s with the star system?
Alejandro: Did they explain that and I missed it?
Kate: I don’t know. Where’s Padma? Haha.
Kate: Elimination challenge: It’s like they’re growing up all over again. First little kids, now college.
Alejandro: SEE, me drinking beforehand was just foreshadowing to the college challenge.
Kate: I’m drinking PBR—doesn’t get much more college than that.
Alejandro: OK, they finally explained the system. 20 minutes into the show.
Kate: Tim’s slow in the supermarket. I think he was back in the liquor section hitting the tequila bottles.
Alejandro: Watching these masters struggle in the grocery store is fun, like watching a dog trying to walk on its hind legs, to quote Mean Girls.
Alejandro: This is Top Chef Masters! Man up or get out of the kitchen, as sexy Tom would say. What is Hubert making?
Kate: I don’t know . . . maybe another mouse?
Kate: Where’s the commercial with the soda bottles that jump off the shelves?
Alejandro: Tim looks so puzzled about the frozen food. Dude, that’s what happens when you put food in the freezer.
Kate: The cowboy was SO hitting the bottle.
Alejandro: Only possible explanation for such an egregious mistake. I think I like him more now.
Alejandro: They’re cooking in actual college dorms.
Kate: I mean, it’s only right for the challenge.
Alejandro: And the dorms are ACTUAL dorm size, not the crazy pads you see on teen shows.
Kate: Or on REAL WORLD!
Alejandro: Ugh, let’s not get started on that.
Kate: Wait, Hubert is a DJ?
Alejandro: That would explain the hair.
Kate: How’s he gonna get his food unfrozen? Chef mike! The microwave!
Alejandro: Microwaving—now this is my kind of “cooking.”
Kate: Enter awkward college student.
Alejandro: Hubert looks like the frontrunner to me. Thoughts?
Kate: I think so, too. I think Christopher could be the dark horse. Michael’s screwed. Tim’s already drunk.
Alejandro: Just make that pasta, Hubert. I’m betting more unusual things have happened in that restroom.
Kate: Tim’s really been hitting the sauce. He would be better off throwing in the towel now and finding the keg party.
Alejandro: That’s just his Southern drawl—I hope.
Alejandro: Oooh . . . Gael Greene crazy hat number one!
Kate: Yes! And an off-the-shoulder shirt from one of the college students. Priceless.
Alejandro: Judge Jay Raener looks constipated.
Alejandro: Unremarkable seems to be the bottom line for Tim.
Kate: Hubert looks to have come out on top in the first course.
Alejandro: Is that a branch on Gael’s cardigan?
Alejandro: Score two for Hubert.
Alejandro: Judge Jay just called Michael’s food “great football-watching food.” Did he mean that as a compliment?
Kate: Those Brits.
Alejandro: Tim is out.
Kate: Tough critics.
Kate: Oh, I want that mac and cheese. That’s no easy mac.
Alejandro: And so apropos for the college challenge. I lived off of mac and cheese while in school.
Kate: Um . . . let me just say Annie’s mac and cheese and a bottle of Tabasco = senior year.
Alejandro: It’s Hubert’s challenge. No contest.
Alejandro: So how do we feel about this spinoff so far?
Kate: So far, I’m not 100 percent sold. I like when the contestants are all cocky and then get cut down. You?
Alejandro: I can’t decide if this show is the equivalent of Real Housewives of NYC or Real Housewives of New Jersey. Kelly is the Jersey version of Padma, though.
Kate: She so is!!
Kate: The chefs are lying. They all have chef mikes in their kitchens.
Alejandro: Except Hubert, he looks like he might still count with an abacus.
Kate: It seems like they’re all children compared to Hubert.
Alejandro: I thought Michael had a chance until Gael ripped his pork dish.
Kate: Gael does have a branch on her sweater! It’s bigger than her shoulder pads too.
Kate: You know why Tim added too much salt? He was thinking he could have it with the tequila.
Kate: Kelly doesn’t seem to have the same culinary knowledge that Padma does.
Alejandro: That’s saying something, because Padma is usually the weakest link when it comes to the judges’ table.
Kate: James Oseland reminds me of Ted Allen. Jay’s hair is a little crazy.
Kate: What’s missing in this spinoff is the drama, the childish antics.
Kate: And let’s be honest, who doesn’t like to see a good cat fight?
Alejandro: You’re right, the contestant drama is really missing.
Alejandro: Reputations must remain untainted, brands protected, and zzzzz . . .
Kate: The hour did go by fast, though. I think Hubert’s got it in the bag.
Alejandro: Ready to declare Hubert the winner?
Kate: I mean, the French invented cuisine, right?
Alejandro: Yeah, but they also pioneered unshaven armpits on women—just putting things in perspective.
Alejandro: But I agree, Hubert has it in the bag.
Kate: Michael’s got nothing. Lucky 13 (and a half) stars.
Alejandro: Kelly doesn’t even get to vote. Useless.
Kate: Totally useless.
Alejandro: Look at Tim! Surprised he was not at the bottom.
Kate: He just beat Michael. I’ll drink to that.
Kate: Christopher! You crazy, boy.
Kate: Tim’s going back to the ranch.
Alejandro: Auf wiedersehen.
Alejandro: There is no tension, despite the music. Clearly Hubert is gonna win.
Kate: And he just did.
Alejandro: I give this episode two and half stars.
Alejandro: Mostly because of Gael and Hubert.
Kate: I think James has some Mr. Rogers potential. But yeah, all in all, TAME.
Alejandro: It was more entertaining than watching Janice Dickinson get shocked by Holly Montag on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. But not as fun as watching a drunken Janice Dickinson cursing at aspiring models after face-planting down a flight of stairs.
Alejandro: Ooh, scenes from upcoming episodes! Neil Patrick Harris! Zoey Deschanel!
Alejandro: Clearly, Bravo knows the gays love this show.
What did you think? Did Hubert deserve to win? Was Tim that terrible? Let us know in the comments!