Last night’s episode was yet another disappointing installment in this dismal season. Emily and Ty were once again engaged in a fight, and the rest of the roommates were left with very little to do other than pick sides. Predictably, the girls and the gay sided with Emily, while the other guys sided with Ty. A house meeting was called into order, people were admonished, promises were made, and . . . zzzz.
Bored to death, we couldn’t help but wonder: What if instead of having a house meeting, the roommates had decided to engage in brutal mortal combat? (Cue: this song.)
Here’s how we reimagined last night’s episode:
With our Winter Olympics fever gone, last night we saw the cast members for who they truly are, and dear readers, it wasn’t a pretty picture. Once again, Emily and Ty engaged in combative, Neanderthal-like behavior while Andrew resumed his creepy quest for easy/wasted females willing to embarrass themselves on national television by agreeing to sleep with him—making us feel like some modern-day version of Sisyphus, condemned to witness the same story lines play out over and over again for eternity.
This terrifying thought made us realize that for some time now we’ve been hate-watching this show, and though we’re not quite ready to renounce the Real World: DC just yet, we’re edging close to the precipice. For our sake and the sake of the five people who enjoy reading these recaps, we’re taking this week off. We promise to resume our duties next week through the rest of the season—unless we’re forced to see Ty decked out in white sweatpants and white sandals again. There is only so much we can take.
Olympic fever must be cooking our brains, because sitting through last night’s episode of The Real World: DC, we couldn’t help but imagine the roommates as competitors in a special edition of the Olympics—an extra-special one, if you catch our drift. Josh and Erika’s growing musical rivalry, like that of Evan Lysacek and Yevgeny Plushenko (minus, you know, any actual talent); Andrew as an equally lovable version of Shaun White, with outlandish animal hats in place of the Carrot Top locks; and Mike, who was as erratic about his sexuality last night as Jeremy Abbott was during the men’s ice-skating short program on Tuesday.
Read on to find out what we thought of the roommates’ individual performances, and, more important, who medaled in this week’s episode.
Last night, war was declared at the Real World: DC house. First, it was Ashley versus Erika, followed by more Ashley versus Erika with a slight intermission for the conflict between Mike and Eric (who, thanks to the magic of editing, went from a first date to just friends in the span of an hour), before the Ashley-versus-Erika feud resumed. Conflict was carried into a laser-tag arena, where the roommates split into two factions: the Terrible Pterodactyls and Quadruple Penetration 400. In honor of the spirit of battle and competitiveness that permeated last night’s episode, we’ve structured today’s recap as a match between those two teams, with points awarded and deducted, depending on the actions of the team’s respective members.
Read on to find out who won this week’s battle.
Change was in the air for The Real World: DC last night! That and the whiff of dry vomit, as the roommates ventured to Adams Morgan instead of Georgetown, in support of Andrew’s tireless quest for a
soul sex mate. It was in Adams Morgan that, among a sea of four people on the dance floor, Andrew spotted the neighborhood’s weekend native species: the Tom Tom Tramp. Much like its cousin, the poisonous dart frog of South America, the Tom Tom Tramp has a freakishly long tongue and sports neon colors as a warning—but it’s, well, obviously much, much bigger. Luckily for both Andrew and the Tom Tom Tramp, a full-on encounter was averted thanks to the divine intervention of a jumbo slice of pizza, which lured the TTT far, far away. Thus, disaster was avoided—at least for now.
Read on to find out how the roommates fared this week:
For more than three months, theirs was the story of eight strangers picked by MTV to live together in an expensive Dupont Circle house. They quickly found out what happens when a sorta-real reality show is covered in actual real time by hyper-connected Washingtonians.
The Real World: DC premieres on MTV tomorrow, and despite already knowing the “roles” each cast member will play, where they all hung out, and even some of the season’s secret story arcs, thanks to coverage on Twitter and blogs, we’ll be glued to our television come 10 PM—and so will you.
Why? Because for all the show’s flaws and cultural irrelevance, it is about our city—not New York or Los Angeles. And while we already anticipate it being as realistic in its depiction of Washington as Gossip Girl is of New York, part of the fun will be watching just how wrong (and right) MTV’s latest batch of crazy twentysomethings gets our city.
Starting Thursday, we’ll recap episodes of the show every week. In the meantime, we’ve already made some preliminary assessments of how awesomely bad the show will be, based on promo pictures and videos released by MTV. After the jump, check out what we think is the most painful thing about The Real World: DC so far, as well as some facts about the show and its production.
It’s not as if we had high expectations for the eight strangers’ first episode, but they still somehow managed to let us down as far as first impressions go. Maybe it was their choice (ha, as if they really have one) to grab dinner at Buca di Beppo, or the fact that very few of them, at least so far, seem interested in what our city has to offer. No, it was the utter lack of a hot-tub scene that really rubbed us the wrong way. Yeah, that’s it.
Here is how they fared in terms of first impressions:
Andrew: Like a movie that marvels at how clever it is for calling attention to its artificialness, Andrew’s schtick would feel fresh were this 1984. Not only is the self-aware routine tired, it’s also naive: For some time now, reality-television cast members have been walking into these fully cognizant they’ll be playing a role for the cameras. Despite having the episode’s best one-liners—telling Ashley dark hair doesn’t suit her, and later exclaiming “I knew we’d have a lesbian!” at the sight of Erika—his calls for attention felt more fake than clever, and there’s nothing we dislike more than a phony.
Ashley: We tried to love Ashley, we really did. Despite referring to herself as a ‘Cali Girl,’ which no self-respecting California girl would ever do, she started the episode strong by displaying a genuine interest in politics. Plus, her reaction upon learning of Callie’s political affiliation was amusing, if utterly expected. But Ashley fell from our graces when she revealed herself to be a snooper, spying first on Josh in the confessional and later eavesdropping on Mike and Ty’s conversation. And her denial of any wrongdoing (and her bitchitude towards Ty) lost her the episode. Ashley, honey, it’s okay if you’re nosy. You can be a bitch, too. Just as long as you own it.
First off: We’d be remiss if we didn’t mention the brilliance of WeLoveDC’s Real World drinking game. Within the first ten minutes of the episode, we were almost as drunk as that sad girl pumping—not rubbing, not even grinding, but pumping—her moneymaker on Ty at Rhino Bar. Speaking of Ty, we’re not fans of him and Emily together—and not just because their names make it impossible to come up with a funny moniker such as Brangelina. Also, against our better judgment, we’re beginning to find Andrew’s faux earnestness endearing—blame it on the ah-ah-ah-alcohol. Ashley’s still a bitch, though.
Below see how the eight strangers fared in this week’s episode:
It was a retreat to heavy—pardon the pun—issues for The Real World: DC in last night’s episodes, as producers haphazardly tried to piece together a coherent narrative about women’s body issues, starring Callie. Sadly, there were also plenty of Emily and Ty, who are starting to make Spencer and Heidi seem like a bearable twosome by comparison. As for Andrew, he was nowhere to be seen, perhaps busy knocking boots with last week's conquest.
Below, see how the eight strangers fared in this week’s episode.
After last week’s trite mess of a narrative, things could only look up for the show, and we weren’t disappointed. Mike and Ashley had numerous epic battles, which delivered some of the season’s best lines so far, and Andrew somehow managed to land a five-minute girlfriend that came accompanied by a cousin.
See how the roommates fared in this week’s episode: