Last night’s episode was yet another disappointing installment in this dismal season. Emily and Ty were once again engaged in a fight, and the rest of the roommates were left with very little to do other than pick sides. Predictably, the girls and the gay sided with Emily, while the other guys sided with Ty. A house meeting was called into order, people were admonished, promises were made, and . . . zzzz.

Bored to death, we couldn’t help but wonder: What if instead of having a house meeting, the roommates had decided to engage in brutal mortal combat? (Cue: this song.)

Here’s how we reimagined last night’s episode:

With our Winter Olympics fever gone, last night we saw the cast members for who they truly are, and dear readers, it wasn’t a pretty picture. Once again, Emily and Ty engaged in combative, Neanderthal-like behavior while Andrew resumed his creepy quest for easy/wasted females willing to embarrass themselves on national television by agreeing to sleep with him—making us feel like some modern-day version of Sisyphus, condemned to witness the same story lines play out over and over again for eternity.

This terrifying thought made us realize that for some time now we’ve been hate-watching this show, and though we’re not quite ready to renounce the Real World: DC just yet, we’re edging close to the precipice. For our sake and the sake of the five people who enjoy reading these recaps, we’re taking this week off. We promise to resume our duties next week through the rest of the season—unless we’re forced to see Ty decked out in white sweatpants and white sandals again. There is only so much we can take.

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Olympic fever must be cooking our brains, because sitting through last night’s episode of The Real World: DC, we couldn’t help but imagine the roommates as competitors in a special edition of the Olympics—an extra-special one, if you catch our drift. Josh and Erika’s growing musical rivalry, like that of Evan Lysacek and Yevgeny Plushenko (minus, you know, any actual talent); Andrew as an equally lovable version of Shaun White, with outlandish animal hats in place of the Carrot Top locks; and Mike, who was as erratic about his sexuality last night as Jeremy Abbott was during the men’s ice-skating short program on Tuesday.

Read on to find out what we thought of the roommates’ individual performances, and, more important, who medaled in this week’s episode.

Last night, war was declared at the Real World: DC house. First, it was Ashley versus Erika, followed by more Ashley versus Erika with a slight intermission for the conflict between Mike and Eric (who, thanks to the magic of editing, went from a first date to just friends in the span of an hour), before the Ashley-versus-Erika feud resumed. Conflict was carried into a laser-tag arena, where the roommates split into two factions: the Terrible Pterodactyls and Quadruple Penetration 400. In honor of the spirit of battle and competitiveness that permeated last night’s episode, we’ve structured today’s recap as a match between those two teams, with points awarded and deducted, depending on the actions of the team’s respective members.

Read on to find out who won this week’s battle.

Change was in the air for The Real World: DC last night! That and the whiff of dry vomit, as the roommates ventured to Adams Morgan instead of Georgetown, in support of Andrew’s tireless quest for a soul sex mate. It was in Adams Morgan that, among a sea of four people on the dance floor, Andrew spotted the neighborhood’s weekend native species: the Tom Tom Tramp. Much like its cousin, the poisonous dart frog of South America, the Tom Tom Tramp has a freakishly long tongue and sports neon colors as a warning—but it’s, well, obviously much, much bigger. Luckily for both Andrew and the Tom Tom Tramp, a full-on encounter was averted thanks to the divine intervention of a jumbo slice of pizza, which lured the TTT far, far away. Thus, disaster was avoided—at least for now.

Read on to find out how the roommates fared this week:

It’s telling when an episode starts with a reminder of who some of these people are. We’re talking about Erika and Josh, the two roommates who until last night had remained largely out of focus. What did we find out about these two? Erika’s a wannabe singer and Josh a wannabe badass, both with a very long way to go. Also, we found out that Emily likes her butt massaged, preferably at all times.

Read on to find out how the eight strangers fared this week:

After last week’s trite mess of a narrative, things could only look up for the show, and we weren’t disappointed. Mike and Ashley had numerous epic battles, which delivered some of the season’s best lines so far, and Andrew somehow managed to land a five-minute girlfriend that came accompanied by a cousin.

See how the roommates fared in this week’s episode: