'Blonde Charity Mafia' Welcomes Us to the Inside

Yesterday, we likened Blonde Charity Mafia to a zombie, but upon closer inspection, the show is more akin to the Greek mythological creature Chimera—you know the one composed of multiple animal parts. Like the Chimera, Blonde Charity Mafia is an amalgam of bits and pieces—it borrows heavily from Gossip Girl, The Hills, and The City. Katherine Kennedy is totes a Serena with cheaper hair extensions; Krista Johnson is a blander, er, blonder Whitney; and, though she tries her darnedest to be Blair or Kristin, Sophie Pyle is more of a Stacie the Bartender.

But unlike the shows it ~~steals~~ borrows from, Blonde Charity Mafia has a twist—or so the introduction tells us. Turns out Katherine Kennedy—drum roll, please—killed someone! No, wait. That’s Serena. Nevermind. Turns out Katherine Kennedy is sleeping with a congressman! Again, that’s Serena. Turns out Katherine Kennedy is battling a rare disease that could be fatal! “It’s a secret she’s having a hard time keeping” the show’s narrator tells us. Yeah, secrets are hard to keep, especially when you blog about them.

Speaking of the show’s intro: Is it just us or do the credits seem to suggest the show takes place not in DC but rather the surface of the sun? We’re all about glamor shots, girls, but—wow—the glare is blinding. And what’s up with the theme song? The Greatest Show of our Time that Never Happened but is Now Happening deserves better than . . . (pause for Google search) Rie Sinclair’s “What’s a Girl to Do.” Keeping with the ~~stealing~~ borrowing theme, we would’ve gone with this gem instead. But let’s get on with the episode . . .

Despite its 20-minute duration and heavily-scripted dialogue, the show’s very first episode managed to pack plenty of truly genius lines and exchanges. Below, we’ve compiled some of our favorite and most blonde moments:

“This is Late Night Shots, an invite-only Web site where the locals blog and blab about DC A-listers.” —Narrator
Hold your horses, third-rate Gossip Girl. DC’s A-listers, you say? Let’s call a spade a spade and not get hyperbolic, lest people start thinking LNSers are a bunch of assholes.

“I’ve been working all morning . . . I’m trying to throw this party this week—the ‘Welcome to Washington’ party to reach out to all the new lobbyists on K Street, all the new congressmen, senators, their staffers . . .” —Katherine Kennedy
Katherine’s diligence would sound more believable had we not just been shown footage of her getting up and dressed. In her defense, looking great is hard work. As for the party, it doesn’t seem like any congressmen or senator actually made it, but let’s not get petty, shall we?

“[Boy-scouting] is my favorite sport!” —Krista Johnson
Because it’s also our favorite sport—though we’d never call it that—we know how this line of dialogue should be delivered, and Krista, girl, it’s like you’re not even trying. Maybe we’re underestimating the difficulty of reading cue cards, but Krista makes Audrina Patridge look like the Helen Mirren of reality TV.

“You know how this city is: Once you’re a bad girl, you’re always a bad girl.” —Shayna
Unlike the token black guy, who, according to Not Another Teen Movie is just supposed to smile and stay out of the conversation and say things like, “damn,” “shit,” and “that’s whack,” Shayna, the token black gal of BGM, actually has some pearls of wisdom to dispense. And she delivers her spoon-fed lines with just the right amount of stilted grace and style expected from a former Miss DC.

“He’s like mad at me. I’m taking a long lunch break. Like, seriously? I have bigger issues than my job right now.” —Sophie Pyle
Poor Sophie. We really feel for our youngest Mafia member. Most would probably want to strangle her for being so blithely unaware of the importance of a job—however fake—during these times, but we know better. See, Sophie’s been reading her Othello, and, like Cassio, she knows the importance of reputation. This girl is deep, y’all. Don’t hate.

“I love sushi. It’s my favorite.” —John Pyne
Where do we even begin with John Pyne? For starters, we’re convinced that underneath that dark hair lies the blondest of them all. He bests even Krista as the one worst at line delivery, and with that lobster tan of his, he seems like the long missing link between Justin Bobby and Freddy Fackelmeyer.

“You know what I do when I get bored? I chug my drinks.” —John Pyne
This is actually sound advice that we applied as we watched the rest of the episode. Well played, Pyne.

“I’m gonna call my dad right now.” —Sophie Pyle
Upon learning that she’s been crossed off the list for the “Welcome to Washington” party, a shamed—shamed!—Sophie leaves with her tail between her legs but not before first delivering this threatening line. We take the part about her being deep back. Whoever wants to strangle her, be our guest.

What were some of your favorite lines from the episode? Let us know in the comments.

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