Thursday, February 13
BRUNCH (BRUNNER?): Who says the sun has to be out for you to drink a mimosa or a Bloody Mary? Wonderland is hosting a late-night brunch, featuring chicken and waffles, all your favorite brunch cocktails, and a burlesque show. This way, brunch can contribute to your impending hangover rather than help cure it. Free. 8:30 PM.
BAD DATES: You’ve been telling us about your worst dates all week, but you can also tell them, out loud, to other human beings at Madhatter’s Worst Date Happy Hour. Your first drink is free, and there’ll be free food from On Tap Magazine, too. You never know—maybe talking about your worst date might score you a future good one. Free. 6 PM.
MUSEUM PARTY: Sending I <3 U texts somehow just isn’t as romantic as sending handwritten love letters. Hark back to that time at the National Postal Museum’s Signed, Sealed, Delivered party, featuring a special performance from Story League’s storytellers, a chance to make a handmade card for your Valentine, drinks, music, dancing, and a photo booth. Tickets ($15) are available online. 8 PM.
Friday, February 14
ANTI-VALENTINE’S PARTY: Not everyone has a date on Valentine’s Day—which can be a good thing in a city with as many beautiful people as DC. Come party with us at our Singles Soiree at Penn Social: For ten bucks you’ll get two free drinks, candy, the chance to play in the Singled Out DC dating game show, and access to all of Penn Social’s games, pool tables, cornhole, etc. Tickets ($10) are available online. 7 PM. For more V-Day ideas, check out our guide.
STORIES: SpeakeasyDC takes over 9:30 Club for a Valentine’s Day show about love. Since the stories are told (mostly) for laughs, you can bet most of them don’t end happily ever after. Tickets ($22) are available online. 10 PM.
CRIME: Sometimes a wackjob takes that whole ’til death do us part thing too seriously, and love ends not happily ever after but with some horrific murder. What a fun thing to think about with your loved one! Head over to the Crime and Punishment Museum for Crimes of Passion, where you’ll learn about some of these ill-fated duos, sip Champagne, get a pair of furry handcuffs, and have access to parts of the museum that aren’t normally available. Tickets ($80) are available online. 6 PM.
DRINK: Alternatively you can just say “Cupid is stupid” at Town Tavern, where drinks are $2 from 8 to 9 and $3 from 9 to 10, and $10 gets you an open bar from 10 11. Soon, your liver will hurt as much as your heart does. Free. 8 PM.
Saturday, February 15
THEATER: What kind of a play can you create in just 24 hours? Find out with Bethesda’s Play in a Day festival. Six local professional theater companies are given a theme and a prop on Friday night, and they each come up with a brand new ten-minute play they’ll perform on Saturday. Catch performers from Adventure Theatre MTC, Flying V, Imagination Stage, Keegan Theatre, Olney Theatre Center, and Round House Theatre. Tickets ($15) are available online.
DANCE: You don’t really hate Valentine’s Day but you don’t love it, either—it’s just kinda, ya know, there. Well, Whatever, Valentine is the party for you. It’s for people “who don’t inflate the value of holidays, but rather celebrate them by dancing their faces off.” It’s ten bucks and is being held at a secret location (which will be disclosed when you buy a ticket), but you seem like the adventurous type, no? Tickets ($10) are available online. 9:30 PM.
BEER: A whole bunch of breweries are taking over Union Market for the Presidents’ Day Beer Fest, featuring food trucks, live music, and lots of craft beer, duh. Your admission gets you samples of more than 50 beers and unlimited pours of two of your favorites. Each admission gets you into a separate three-hour session. Tickets ($40) are available online. Noon, 4, and 9 (also Friday at 7).
DRINK: Dress up like Abe Lincoln in Alaska for the Snow Day Presidential Bar Crawl, which hits all of the Dupont spots. You’ll get a special mug and a wristband and be told to go wild: Beers are $2, rails are $3, and Washington Apple shots are $4 all day. Tickets ($15) are available online. 1 to 8 PM.
Sunday, February 16
MUSIC: The Washington Area Music Awards, also known as the Wammies, are being held for the 28th time this weekend. Details are pretty scant, but past performers have included Joan Jett, Emmylou Harris, Mary Chapin Carpenter, and other household names. You’ll get to see the best of what the area has to offer in all genres. Tickets ($35) are available online. 7:30 PM.
DANCE: Pun of the week goes to Peach Pit’s PresiDANCE Day. The DC9 ’90s dance night moves to Sunday for the three-day weekend and it’s going harder than ever—the dance floor and the (heated) roof deck will stay open until 4 AM. $5. 11 PM.
Monday, February 17
MUSIC: Remember when Earl Sweatshirt’s disappearance was mysterious enough to warrant a massive feature in the New Yorker? That seems kinda silly now, but you can catch the (still very young and still very talented) Odd Future rapper at 9:30 Club. He’s still on a trajectory to become one of rap’s biggest names. Tickets ($25) are available online. 7 PM.
METAL: The Satellite Room is launching its all-new Heavy Metal Mondays, featuring your favorites from the early days of 1984 through 1991 and $7 Bud Light/Old Overholt shot combos all night. If combos aren’t your thing, you can grab an alcoholic milkshake. That’s still sorta metal, right? Free. 9:30 PM.
Know of something cool going on around town? E-mail Jason Koebler at email@example.com, or find him on Twitter.