Why You Shouldn’t Root for the Ravens in Playoffs

Jack Kogod won’t root for John Harbaugh’s team, no matter how often he asks. Photograph by Flickr user Keith Allison.

Once again, our acquaintances in Baltimore are in the midst of a playoff run, while Redskins fans are left without a rooting interest. It’s certainly nothing out of the ordinary, but lately there’s been a lot more talk about Washingtonians donning the purple. That horrible, horrible purple.

Blame John Harbaugh. The Ravens coach just won’t shut up about expanding his team’s fanbase into Washington. Back in the preseason, he told reporters how he wanted to “keep growing our fanbase into this whole Mid-Atlantic.” More recently, he invited Redskins fans to Baltimore, saying, “We want to be their AFC team.”

Stop it. Just stop it now. We don’t like you, Baltimore. Nobody does, according to this highly scientific ESPN poll. We’ll take your groundbreaking crime dramas, but not your NFL team. Choosing to root for them would be weird and wrong. Like dating your dimwitted cousin because it’s geographically convenient.

I can understand picking a favorite playoff team, but the list of reasons you shouldn’t root for the Ravens is longer than Joe Flacco’s Fu Manchu’d face. Baltimore’s quarterback has won more plaudits for his overgrown eyebrow(s) and ridiculous mustache than he has for his role in the team’s success.

While he’s been whining about a lack of respect, his own teammate has openly questioned his grasp of the offense. I hope he does just well enough to force the Ravens to commit to him with a contract extension, because he’s terrible, and he’ll eventually make Baltimore fans miserable.

And oh, how I want to see that. The only thing worse than a Cowboys fan inside the Beltway is a guy from Dundalk with a closet full of purple camo. And what’s with the guys in cowboy hats and dusters? You live in Maryland and your mascot is a bird.

Sharing a stadium with the Hogettes is bad enough. Do you really want to compound the unpleasantness by associating with these people?

Is it that you don’t enjoy being a Redskins fan? Because of course you don’t. Being a Redskins fan is horrible. Except for those rare times when it isn’t, which is kind of the point of being a fan to begin with.

So go Patriots. Because I’d rather be a bitter Redskins fan hoping for the Ravens to lose than to be a Beltway bandwagon jumper.