Dear citizens of our great (and surprisingly affordable!) Commonwealth:
I am pleased to report on the Chock full o'Nuts® rich and robust state of Virginia. As you may have seen from our Amazon.com® listings and my infomercial, my plan to sell naming rights to state property has been a Life Saver,® curing our depressed state as readily as Prozac® wipes away your blues.
Since my privatization effort, there have been a lot of changes. Many of you in Northern Virginia have been stuck in our Slim-Fast® Beltway renovations. But don't worry--we will have Lexus® Lanes for those discriminating travelers who can afford to pay more for both their car and their quicker driving routes.
These should clear traffic along our state's highways, from iPad®-395 to I-66, now known as Grandma's Molasses® Expressway.
I'm pleased some of our neighbors have joined our approach. This summer, a boring backup en route to the beach in Maryland will get additional zing as you cross the newly christened Old Bay® Bridge.
A while back, our great Commonwealth had to cut out some highway bathroom facilities. We're reopening them now that Depend® has become the sponsor of our highway system. This winter, budget problems in clearing roadways were eased by our Morton Salt® trucks. This should make traveling easier on Route 29, now Lee Jeans® Highway, and AARP® Route 50.
Our approach has been so successful that we've extended it to schools. The initials will remain the same for prestigious Thomas Jefferson High School--known simply as TJ--but it will now offer "the Maxx for the minimum."® We're also healing some divisions from our Confederate history: Stonewall Jackson in Manassas is now Long Fence® High School.
In these troubled times, we've had to cut funding drastically for Virginia colleges. I am pleased to report that we will be able to make up for these reductions by turning to the private sector. As a conservative, I had a lot to swallow in changing the name of William & Mary, the nation's second-oldest college, to the College of Ben & Jerry's.® But those lefties made us an impressive cash offer, including all the Chunky Monkey® pints we can dish out at state functions. To allow students to compete in today's global environment, George Mason has been given a bit of Italian flair as Giorgio Armani ® University.
We've updated other state institutions, too. While further cutting hours as well as staff handling car registration, our new, soothing-pink Pepto-Bismol® DMV Centers should make the wait easier to stomach. Or just go online to take advantage of our $19 Groupon® for Virginia drivers' licenses without taking the pesky test.
As I speak to you from our historic residence, Frappuccino® Mansion, the Bounty® of our Commonwealth is stronger than ever.
I know there's talk of my being an ideal choice for the Republican vice-presidential nomination. Much like I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!,® I am flattered by the comparison.
But I reassure you, my customers--uh, constituents--that my mind
is focused on my job in Richmond. Even with my Staples Easy
Button,® there is much to be done before I can consider
U-Haul®ing my family into the Vice President's residence
at the soon-to-be Sunkist® Naval Observatory in
Washington, District of Chipotle.®
This article appears in the May 2012 issue of The Washingtonian.