See how the roommates fared in this week’s episode:
Ashley: If it walks, talks, and acts like one then . . . or, in Ashley’s case, if it squeals, sobs, and heaves likes one. But wait! It’s all a coping mechanism, because she wasn’t loved as a child. Boo-hoo. We’re Team Mike on this one. It’s like we’ve been saying all along: Ashley just needs to own the bitchiness and the crazy, so she can at least make for a good TV villain. Until then, she remains insufferable. We do tend to side with her on the question of Mike’s sexuality, though, because really, every time Mike opens his mouth a purse falls out.
Ty: Thank baby Jesus that Ty played no significant role in the episode whatsoever. Still, laying low doesn’t equal making amends, so Ty lingers at the bottom for yet another week.
Emily: It’s become obvious that Emily is at her best when relegated to the sidelines. She earns some serious points for being the ringleader behind Operation: Panda Charm School and later for her agreeableness at being sexiled by Andrew—though, really, who would want to be in the same room when that horror show starts happening? In fact, Emily was so placid throughout the episode, we almost forgot she, you know, spat on a roommate last week. Almost.
Erika: Due to the general absence of anything meaningful or quote-worthy coming out of Erika’s mouth as of late, we’ve had to start paying attention to her demeanor to come up with things to say about her. What have we noticed? Mostly, that her pretty (but obviously not natural) red hair is always perfectly coiffed. Perhaps, too perfect? Like she might be harboring something gnarly and sinister beneath? Hey! We’re trying to work with what little the producers give us.
Callie: Practically a nonentity this episode. Maybe she was out doing more important things like working out and feeling good about herself? Or rather, she was perhaps eclipsed by doppelganger Alli, who—let’s face it—pretty much stole the episode when she so gutlessly broke up with Andrew via e-mail.
Josh: So, it is true: Josh does in fact live in the house. Which raises the important question: Who does the house cleaning, then? In any case, Josh finally had something to contribute to the show other than the obligatory hug and pat-on-the-shoulder moments. He remained surprisingly good humored at Nellie’s despite being, as he put it, “molested, stalked, and followed” by Tragedy, Juiced-up Queen of Baltimore. For that, he earns not only points but our respect.
Mike: Ashley brought out the claws in Mike, who had the night’s best zingers: “I’m glad that you’re smiling now and you’re not crazy . . . like you normally are,” and later, “Don’t be a bitch after one sentence.” There were other precious moments, but they were essentially variations of “Ashley is a bitch.” Unlike his first fight, this time around Mike was actually articulate—ok, just more articulate than his counterpart—and managed to put Ashley in her place. But he didn’t come out of battle unscathed: Though we enjoyed how he managed to bait Ashley into a fight and then feign no cruel intentions, it was almost too seamless—like there’s something more going on than the buddy-buddy exterior he’s been showing so far.
Andrew: Who would’ve thought we’d be comparing Andrew to the pop icon Carrie Bradshaw, yet here we are: Like Carrie, Andrew had to suffer the indignity of a "message breakup." True, Andrew’s breakup wasn’t quite a Berger moment, but almost! And it’s not like Andrew has a thousand pair of Manolo Blahniks to comfort him. All he has are Emily and Callie . . . yeah. To be fair, it’s not like he didn’t earn being dumped by Alli after (a) poking her with his boner all night, (b) telling her he loved her on their first date, then asking her to “make love amongst the birds, bees, and the homeless,” and (c) describing her as ditzy and high-pitched—just to name some of the more glaring reasons—but even so, Andrew deserved better! He also scored in our book by laughing off the advances and sloppy neck kisses of Tragedy, who made Peanut Butter Legs look demure by comparison. Andrew, we can’t give you a better alternative to spooning, but we can give you the episode!
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