Winner, Husbands Edition (Awarded for Spousal Fortitude and Good Humor): Jason Turner may be one goofy, penis-measurin’ dude, but that doesn’t mean he’s not a sweet, goofy, penis-measurin’ dude. He plans trips badly! He gets kind of surprised when “these two white folks,” (the Salahis, who appear to have imported a Personal Black Traveling Companion for their trip with the Turners) actually show up for a European trip they were invited on only three days before. Once in France, Jason declares “I butcher their language to death. I’m not sure I’m making sense to anybody but I am doing my darndest,” and asks “from which samurai” Tareq took his sabraging lessons from. And his brother, the hip-hop artist with a hit in France, actually isn’t a total embarrassment, which brings us to...
Winner Profile-Enhancement Division (Awarded for Best Advantage Taken of a Publicity Opportunity): Beat Assailant, said brother-in-law to Stacie Turner, may have one of the dopiest names in hip-hop (and that's saying something), but dude can flow, he’s got a video Kanye would be proud of (okay, if he didn’t sue him for a blatant ripoff of “Gold Digger”):
And he made the most of his cameo. The bar may be low for this kind of thing. But if our alternatives are Countess LuAnn and Kim from Atlanta, and if Lynda won’t call upon her backup experience to record a single for Andy Cohen, we’ll swallow our objections to his name and keep Beat on rotation.
Winner, Tart Tongue Division (Awarded for the Best Zinger): Cat Ommanney may have been the villianess of the first two episodes, but this time out, it’s as if she’s fallen down a wormhole of rudeness and actually emerged as... kind of funny. And sometimes she even means it. “They turned up in this horrible white limo, which only my daughters would be impressed by, because they’re nine,” she declares of the Salahis. And at the same party, when Paul Wharton gets a little smoochy with her over a discussion of whether or not she’s a racist, Cat demures. “Don’t kiss me, you’re gay and you’re colored,” she insists, delightfully off-message.
Loser, Saddle Shoes Division: When did Mary Amons become such a goody two-shoes? She declares she’s not ready for her daughter to explain, much less to understand sexting, which the girl defines as “It’s like, when you send naked photos to people...and it gets around,” before faulting Mom for sending her to public school (because those private schools, just bastions of purity and righteousness). Mary even insists on defending a red wine the Salahis served her, and that’s just a bridge too far. Niceness doesn’t make reality stars, unless you’re hiding a sharp razor in the turn-down on those ruffled socks or tucked in your pigtails.
Winner, Drinking Buddy Edition: Lynda apologizes for not having tequila at an event. Lynda brings a bottle with her to talk book covers. This may not have been her strongest episode, zinger-wise (our advice? shove that boring nonsense about forgiveness, we know you hate Michaele, so tell us why), but with Lynda behind the bar, and Paul Wharton stirring the drinks, future drama seems inevitable.