‘Real World: DC’ Runs into the Tom Tom Tramp

Change was in the air for The Real World: DC last night! That and the whiff of dry vomit, as the roommates ventured to Adams Morgan instead of Georgetown, in support of Andrew’s tireless quest for a soul sex mate. It was in Adams Morgan that, among a sea of four people on the dance floor, Andrew spotted the neighborhood’s weekend native species: the Tom Tom Tramp. Much like its cousin, the poisonous dart frog of South America, the Tom Tom Tramp has a freakishly long tongue and sports neon colors as a warning—but it’s, well, obviously much, much bigger. Luckily for both Andrew and the Tom Tom Tramp, a full-on encounter was averted thanks to the divine intervention of a jumbo slice of pizza, which lured the TTT far, far away. Thus, disaster was avoided—at least for now.

Read on to find out how the roommates fared this week:

Ashley
It has become tradition for Ashley to hold the bottom spot in our weekly rankings. So much so that we’ve tired of her raving lunatic ways. She initiates yet another fight, this time with Andrew, and once again comes out the loser. Maybe we should feel more sympathetic toward Ashley this time, given her history of domestic violence. But it’s a testament to how much she’s alienated everyone with her volatile character that we find ourselves not giving a damn.

Ty
Not much to say about this one, except that it’s probably not a good sign when your two-week absence from the narrative spotlight feels like a blissful vacation for viewers. We’re hoping vacation extends for at least another week.

Callie
We give Callie points for being the second roommate to land a job—and then immediately subtract them and then some for (1) not having a résumé, (2) showing up to the interview late and looking like she was going to the mall, and (3) not knowing how to ride Metro. She owns up to her first two failures—remarking how the interview process made her feel unprepared for the professional world—but remains unaware of just how egregious her lack of knowledge about Metro is. We just can’t let this one pass, Callie.

Josh
We feel for Josh, if only because he had to sit through one of Ashley’s senseless rants—a pain comparable only to waterboarding, we imagine. Easily the roommate who’s been shortchanged the most in terms of camera time, Josh didn’t even get to utter more than two sentences. We’re not saying we like the dude—especially after his sleazy behavior last week—but can the guy get some love, MTV?

Emily
Perhaps busy getting those butt rubs she seems to like so much, Emily had very little to do in the episode other than act supportive toward Callie’s photography skills and later to look incredulous upon learning Ashley had decided to leave the house for the night.

Andrew
A veritable quote machine, Andrew had some choice quips throughout the episode. From “Guys talk about sex, and that’s how you form a brotherhood” to “The problem with these people is that they wear their life struggles on their sleeves as if that defines them as a person. . . .” to “I’m just looking for some ass!,” Panda was on fire. There were some missteps, however: First, his desperate attempt to lure the Tom Tom Teletubby with the Gene Simmons tongue by using his house as hook, and later his fight with Ashley, from which not even he could emerge unscathed. The incident, which involved pushing, pizza, and plenty of bleeping, left us with a really bad taste in our mouths. Like the kind, we imagine, you get after making out with someone who’s just swallowed a jumbo slice of pizza whole.

Erika
What’s the expression Obama used not long ago to discuss how you can dress something up but it doesn’t change what it is? Because last night Erika proved him wrong. The second she put on those loathsome square-framed faux-hipster glasses, the banalities she’s been spewing for weeks suddenly became coherent—some might say rational, even—thoughts. Like when she mentions that manfriend Erik might be a good match for Mike because the former’s experience could help teach the latter more about his sexuality and push him to become comfortable with who he is. Aww. But wait. Isn’t that just a long-winded way of calling Mike out as gay?

Mike
Mike starts off the episode talking about how much he loves his boyfriend, Tanner, which of course means that by the end of the episode he’ll end up in bed with a girl—ha! Like that’s going to happen. He ends up in bed with mantoy Erik, chosen from a pile of sad fame-hungry queens at Halo. Mike’s selection criterion? “When I meet somebody, I put him through the three tests. We talk politics, we talk sports, and I punch him in the arm. . . . ” Hmm, well, we don’t see them discussing politics or sports, but there’s plenty of punching on camera. Yeah, dude! Then Erik folds Mike’s laundry (“because someone’s gotta do it”) and earns our respect. As for Mike, we’re slowly warming up to him, thanks in no small part to his work at the Human Rights Campaign. The elevator might not go all the way to the top with Mike, but at least he’s trying to do some good in the world. For essentially being Miss America—down to the toned arms and over-waxed eyebrows—Mike takes home the crown this time around.

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Alejandro Salinas