‘Real World: DC’ Unleashes the Pimpin’ Panda

First off: We’d be remiss if we didn’t mention the brilliance of WeLoveDC’s Real World drinking game. Within the first ten minutes of the episode, we were almost as drunk as that sad girl pumping—not rubbing, not even grinding, but pumping—her moneymaker on Ty at Rhino Bar. Speaking of Ty, we’re not fans of him and Emily together—and not just because their names make it impossible to come up with a funny moniker such as Brangelina. Also, against our better judgment, we’re beginning to find Andrew’s faux earnestness endearing—blame it on the ah-ah-ah-alcohol. Ashley’s still a bitch, though.

Below see how the eight strangers fared in this week’s episode:

Ashley: There was absolutely nothing redeemable about “Obama girl.” From her better-than-thou attitude toward the rest of the roommates to the thinly veiled bitterness/jealousy over Mike’s manfriend to once again spying on roommates, it was all just downhill. When she “stumbles” upon Mike and boy-toy Robbie making out on the pool table, it looks like the flesh is melting off her face. “That is not cute,” she says of the couple. Neither are you, Ashley.

Ty: To no one’s surprise, Ty was just as cocksure this time around. “Emily is open about her sexuality, and I have benefited from that openness” he says, not realizing how gross he sounds. Also gross was him and that petite girl at Rhino Bar. We do have to give him some credit for seeing so clearly through Ashley’s nonsense and calling her out on it. Now, if only he’d take that awareness and apply it to himself.

Emily: Our winner last week takes a precipitous fall, mostly as a result of too much alcohol and too much Ty. For an episode that featured plenty of Emily, we have very little to say about her, other than we hope she gets over the dude, and pronto. The scenes with her sister were surprisingly cold, and their subsequent e-mail exchange—built to be a big dramatic moment by the show’s editors—fell flat.

Mike: In what is so obviously shaping up to be the “bi today, gay tomorrow” story arc of the season, Mike goes to a gay club and brings home a dude—shocking Ashley and anyone who can’t see what Mike looks like. We’re guessing the folks at the Human Rights Campaign fall into this latter category. How else to explain their hiring of Mike as an intern after he shows up to his first interview dressed in a T-shirt, shorts, and sneakers? It’s an embarrassing situation for Mike, but more so for HRC. We know the interview was just for show, but couldn’t someone at least get him to wear a shirt?

Erika: She participated in the brief altercation between the girls and Andrew’s hookup, Krystal (more on her later), but otherwise remained on the sidelines, waiting for her time.

Josh: Besides the cheesy slow-motion footage of the boys on their night out, we can’t recall seeing Josh’s makeup-caked mug in the episode at all.

Andrew: He didn’t start so hot—“There’s something inherently about Callie” isn’t a sentence, Andrew—but Panda Face managed an impossible trick: He won us over. First with his comical attempts to woo Callie and later for being so open about going to a gay bar—“I want to be the belle of the bar!” Finally, he took the higher ground with his roommates after they ruined his chances of getting laid.

Callie: It takes not only kindness but tact to turn down multiple advances from a boy—especially one as seemingly aloof and socially inept as Andrew—without inflicting too much damage on his ego. Callie possessed both qualities in this episode, emerging from last week’s obscurity all the way to the (almost) top of our ranking. In the process, she also proved it’s she, not Ashley, who can teach the other one a valuable thing or two.

Krystal: Technically not a roommate, but who can resist a girl who introduces herself as “Krystal, like Christopher”? The answer: Everyone in the real real world. But this is reality television, and Krystal—who apparently went to GMU—wasted no precious TV time. She hopped from the confessional room over to the hot tub and then to Andrew’s bed, clearly on a mission. Once in bed, she started a fight with the female cast members, tackling all the to-do’s that Real World groupies are supposed to do to achieve infamy. For purposefully embarrassing herself on national television and still managing to look better than Ty’s Rhino Bar girl, Krystal—heretofore dubbed “Peanut-Butter Legs”—wins the episode. Kongrats, Krystal!

For more Real World: DC recaps, click here.

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Alejandro Salinas