'The Real World: DC' Goes for Gold

Olympic fever must be cooking our brains, because sitting through last night’s episode of The Real World: DC, we couldn’t help but imagine the roommates as competitors in a special edition of the Olympics—an extra-special one, if you catch our drift. Josh and Erika’s growing musical rivalry, like that of Evan Lysacek and Yevgeny Plushenko (minus, you know, any actual talent); Andrew as an equally lovable version of Shaun White, with outlandish animal hats in place of the Carrot Top locks; and Mike, who was as erratic about his sexuality last night as Jeremy Abbott was during the men’s ice-skating short program on Tuesday.

Read on to find out what we thought of the roommates’ individual performances, and, more important, who medaled in this week’s episode.

Ashley
The Tonya Harding of the house, Ashley had a special twinkle in her eyes throughout last night’s episode. We take it this means she either (a) is finally going balls-out postal next week, (b) is ecstatic she’ll no longer forever be remembered as the girl who made out with the transparently gay dude, thanks to Callie, or (c) has had a glass eye all along and, silly us, we just noticed. Regardless, the twinkle is all Ashley had going for her this episode, and despite her status as the veteran (of crazy), she doesn’t place on the podium.

Ty
TY: THIS EPISODE ::
1. MASCULINITY : MEN’S ICE SKATING
2. MIKE : GAY
3. WICKED LIQUID : MUSIC
4. JOSH : RIHANNA TWO LOOKS AGO

Erika
Acting every bit as paranoid and unhinged as Plushenko was made to appear in this hilariously overwrought NBC segment, Erika couldn’t help but gab on and on about her "enemies": First it was the street musicians who didn’t show up for practice, then it was Josh for actually managing—God knows how, really—to put a band together, later the music industry for not supporting more female artists, and after that the world, because it’s not fair that you actually have to work to have a band. It should be something everyone just, like, you know has from birth. Like a brain. Oh, wait . . . .

Josh
“I bring attention to what I do, whether I’m singing or rapping, either way, they’re looking at me.” Someone should have the heart to tell him it’s because of his poodle-perm pompadour. His rivalry with Erika aside, this disconnect between Josh’s self-image and his actual image is another reason why he’s like Lysacek—only instead of thinking of himself as masculine while prancing around in feathers and ruched tops, Josh fancies himself a rocker/rapper superstar despite looking more like a raging alcoholic Rihanna-impersonating drag queen.

Emily
Like snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis, Emily was an earlier favorite for gold, only instead of running into a gate and disqualifying herself from competition, Emily stumbled onto something far, far worse—Ty. She’s made some progress since, and last night’s performance was particularly strong: She survived the head-on collision that was Josh’s jam session with minimal cerebral injury and delivered an incisive dig at Erika for being a stage-five clinger. Still, Emily is just short of the bronze, which goes to . . .

Callie
. . . who deserves a medal just for refusing to pass judgment on Josh’s singing, um, “abilities.” Never mind she also lets the desperately insecure Mike use her to conceal his sexuality from a visiting and, it must be pointed out, much, much hotter brother. All hail, Callie, patron saint of closet cases and helpless hacks.

Mike
The world—okay, the gays—may love them young, pretty, and stupid, but, dear diary, we want to gag Mike every time he speaks. (And not in a kinky S&M way.) It’s not just that we find his conviction for gay rights a tad disingenuous since he can’t seem to come terms with his own homosexuality; it’s how smart he makes Erika look by comparison. That’s just not right, diary! It’s not. Regardless of our feelings, however, we must award Mike the silver medal, because (a) he gets to meet and talk to Jared Polis, (b) he has an accepting, seemingly normal family and, most important, because (c) he has a scorching-hot brother we wouldn’t mind being introduced to. You reading this, Mike?

Andrew
So what if he basically wins by default? Apolo Ohno got a silver medal only because the two South Korean competitors ahead of him slipped at the last minute, and you don’t see anyone giving him crap for that, do you? Andrew also wins the gold for pointing out how absurdly inconsistent Mike is about his sexuality. Long live Pandahead! And Johnny Weir . . . but we digress. (No, really, click on the link, it'll be the best four minutes of your life.)