News & Politics

Angry Reviews of DC Landmarks: Embassies

"If you want to experience what hell would be like, come here!"

Photograph via iStock.

An occasional series of unfortunate experiences at well-known sites around DC.

In the world of online vitriol directed toward DC landmarks, reviews of other nations’ outposts are, by far, the most scathing. There can never be too few stars or too much comment space for the angry masses spurned by passport stampers, and no shortage of detailed horrors endured by visa applicants. In true Olympic spirit, here’s how embassies create an international competition in which everyone’s a loser.

At first glance, the hatred seems to be pouring in from every corner of the world, and in every language:

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Which is understandable, since all embassies seem to hire their staffs from

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But each embassy is also awful in its own unique way. The top offenders:

??Belgium: When you ask a question, it sends you a letter directing you to its own Wikipedia page.

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??Bosnia: You’ve got a better chance of doing something violent and disgusting to a lion than getting a new passport:

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??France: The Oscar Party sucks (because everyone’s first impulse when celebrating one of America’s biggest entertainment events is to hang out on French territory).

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??Democratic Republic of Congo: Downgrades book manuscript dreams and turns them into sad, one-paragraph reviews.

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??Estonia: Has native dolls, but still not interesting enough for two stars.

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??Latvia: Feeds people and puts on dance shows, but like its Baltic neighbor, still not good enough.

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??Ireland: Doesn’t even try to hit all the food groups, just “cut up wieners.”

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??Mozambique: Could spontaneously combust.

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??China: Doesn’t read every one of your million petitions.

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??Greece: Will remind you of a Florida living room.

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??Pakistan: “Old guy with weird teeth” alert.

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??Sri Lanka: “Darn good” tea, sari lessons—still only three stars. Tough crowd.

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But is there decent embassy out there? The answer is yes, and it’s Canada, for this response to its own Google Review:

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