I knew it was all over for Jeremy from the beginning.
In last night’s premiere of the Bachelorette, two contestants from our region—banker Jeremy of DC and former-NFL-player Jason of Arlington—shot their shot for Clare Crawley’s heart. This season’s Bachelorette is very different from any other in that it was filmed during a pandemic. Which meant we were treated to a montage of the contestants isolated in hotel rooms during quarantine, which seemed to consist of many of them just flexing in the mirror for two weeks.
But, back to Jeremy. I knew it was over the moment he made his entrance: Unlike most of the other contestants, he didn’t make any kind of splashy, punny entrance, such as showing up in a man-sized hamster ball or a straightjacket (“I’ve gone MAD waiting for you!”). Which, yes, in a normal dating scenario is the advised tactic. But on American TV? More is better, Jeremy! Get in that man-sized hamster ball!
Instead, he said something along the lines of “I promise to make you laugh as much as possible, I’m only here for you, blah blah blah,” and I found myself drifting off and wondering if we had any more Thin Mints in the freezer. See? Could have used a hamster ball!
Jason, however, was a bit of a wild card. Initially, the cringe factor was high, as Jason arrived to meet Clare with a faux-pregnant belly. It was a nod to the gimmick Clare used when showing up on Juan Pablo’s season back in 2014, but, of course, it also allowed Jason to use the lines “carry the weight of this relationship” and “the labor of my love for you.” Excellent.
Clare, however, was into it, and as the night progressed, I firmly became Team Jason. As they sat down to a one-on-one talk on a bench that just happened to be placed in a bonfire of tea lights, Jason asked the number-one question every woman wants to hear, the one they’ve been waiting for since they were a little girl: “Have you seen the movie My Cousin Vinny?”
I was Jason-smitten. He went on to tell Clare that he just wants to live in a rural cabin and listen to music and drink whiskey, which, same! As they parted ways, we cut to a confessional with Jason, where he faces the camera and tells the crew that “Clare is the most beautiful woman I’ve seen since my mother.” Slight Oedipus vibes, but it works for him!
What really sealed the deal is when Clare’s dogs came out: As all the other guys fake-oohed and aahed and mentally calculated how they could pretend to pet the Golden Retriever without getting fur on their vacuum-sealed-tight suit pants, Jason was down on the ground in full-on dog-dad mode. He looked like he has the same internal monologue as I do when I see a dog, which is basically “oh my god dog dog dog dog dog dog dog.” The man even used my patented and incredibly infantile “I’m talking to a dog!” voice, which would typically present a copyright issue, but in this case, I’ll allow it.
All this to say, not a lot of Jeremy action on the Clare Crawley front. We didn’t see him when the Instagram DM drama began brewing between Yosef and that one dude who looked like a West Virginia Johnny Cash, and we didn’t see him when the universe was wondering what was up with evil stepdad-lookalike Bennett’s white scarf, and he certainly didn’t show up when Clare told the world she just met her future husband nanoseconds after hugging Dale.
So it wasn’t that surprising that Jeremy was left rose-less, cast aside to strap on a N-95 mask and make his way back to his previous life at TD Bank and the Williamsburg Yankee Candle Village (@Jeremy grab me an Evergreen Mist candle, please!).
Which means that we, Washingtonians, are left with Jason as our sole fighter. And, judging by the previews of this upcoming season, things are looking good for us. One of the snippets featured a shot of Clare and Jason on a beach wailing like howler monkeys at the moon, and another shows a close-up of Jason surrounded by flickering tiki torches, telling the camera crew he’s going to marry Clare.
Jason, we can only hope. We won’t rest until Clare gets to see Clarendon.