Science! It’s a great tool for back-footing polio, putting humans on the moon, keeping the hot side hot and the cool side cool, and generally making our big, mysterious universe a more understandable and livable place. But sometimes, people use what looks like science to make utterly preposterous claims.
Such as: this recent study purporting to show that DC ranks No. 1 among US states when it comes to worrying about penis size.
Our city? The most powerful in the world? The place that made an unofficial mascot out of Stumpy? Home to the person who can order the launch of thousands of beautiful, gleaming, towering intercontinental ballistic missiles at a moment’s notice? Us? Fretting about how we measure up down there?
Nope. Not buying it. No way. In fact, I guarantee you there’s no problem. To the contrary, the only thing coming up short here is the study in question. Produced by something called NowPatient—and brought to our attention via DC Reddit—it lacks methodological heft and girth. Let’s count the ways:
DC Isn’t a State
Sure, the District may be taxed like the other places on the list, but we don’t enjoy the same representation on Capitol Hill. As such, it’s analytically unsound to whip out our stats and compare them to bigger, more fully-developed jurisdictions.
Correlation Isn’t Causation
According to NowPatient, the study analyzed Google searches made during 2021 for the following queries:
- Is my penis too small
- Normal penis size
- Average penis size
- How long should my penis be
- How to make penis longer
- How to make penis bigger
Now, it’s certainly true that a high per capita rate of the above searches—which is how the study ultimately ranks 50 states and one city—could correspond to a lack of penis confidence. But not necessarily! The study neither tests nor controls for why people typing in those particular terms, which could make a massive difference in how to interpret them. Consider:
- Is my penis too small: User could have entered ironically.
- Normal penis size: User might be wondering why conventional underwear is fitting so snugly.
- Average penis size: User might have similar questions about contraceptive sheath sizing.
- How long should my penis be: User could be empathetically concerned—but definitely not upset or worried!—that their personal endowment exceeds social and cultural norms, potentially causing distress for others.
- How to make penis longer: User could have been helpfully asking for a friend, who just happens to live in another, less-gifted jurisdiction.
- How to make penis bigger: See above.
Small Sample Size
The study tallied 8,170 total searches for the above terms over the course of 2021. That equals roughly 22 searches a day across a population of approximately 670,000, or one daily search for every 30,000 people.
Does that seem statistically significant to you? What’s if there’s a handful of worried users in the District—and again, not that they have any reason to worry—searching constantly, downright compulsively, and driving up the overall numbers? What if there’s simply no real problem here, nothing to discuss, and why are we still going on about this, anyway?
The study also failed to measure the penile confidence of local users who didn’t enter the above search queries, probably because those users are feeling fine, good, actually great, fantastic, even. Shouldn’t they count, too? Similarly, it’s important to note that my personal searches did not contribute to the study’s data set in any way. I don’t even use Google.
