This morning, while scrolling the news, I encountered something truly unhinged: a five-day food diary by Monica Lewinsky, who is currently doing the media rounds to promote her new podcast. For my whole life, I’ve apparently been gaslit into believing that a healthy diet makes us beautiful and vibrant and productive, but now I am no longer sure—because here is Monica, my favorite White House intern turned anti-bullying crusader turned winking upscale office-wear model, eating every single day like an absolute psycho. I raise the oddness of her diet not to shame her but to celebrate her boldness, the audacity of her stomach lining, her truly visionary culinary decisions, and her cryptic and alluring verses about pizza. Chef’s kiss to Monica. Here are the highlights of her recent eating.
Monica Takes Her Coffee with Sprinkles
Monica Lewinsky is a coffee drinker. She does not take it black.
“I’m fussy about my coffee, but not in a bougie way,” she writes. “I like to mix two different Starbucks VIAs: the special Christmas blend and decaf.” (She apparently stocks up over the holidays so that she has her Christmas blend year round.) Then, to her holly-jolly brew, she adds heavy cream, a dash of pumpkin spice, and—if she needs some extra cheer—a spritz of canned whipped cream. She also tops it with sprinkles.
Monica refers to this, at one point, as her “special coffee concoction,” which—after one late night of work—she feels she needs “intravenously.” Is this wise? Who knows, but girl sure is productive; in addition to her podcast, she’s apparently working on a limited series for Hulu about Amanda Knox.
Monica Loves Pizza
To prove her longtime devotion to pepperoni pizza, Monica links to a poem she wrote in grade school, which apparently made its way onto the internet in that harrowing year of her young adulthood, 1998. “Mary Oliver I am not,” remarks Monica, the patron saint of self-deprecation.
Here is the full text:
I am a pizza
I can be a delicious lunch, dinner
or breakfast, if you’re weird.
I have a great deal of toppings on me
I am a round and flat piece of dough
with lots of toppings.
I make your mouth water.
I’m very good to eat, but I’m fattening!
I am a mouth’s best friend.
I make you say, “Yum, Yum”.
I am a pizza.
This poem made quite a splash in 1998. For example, JFK Jr. read snippets of it on Jay Leno’s show. “I know I’m going to rot in hell eternally for this,” he said before reading a schoolgirl’s poem on national television—but the one rotting might actually be Leno, who quipped, “It’s amazing how kids know at a young age what they’re going to do in life.”
Monica Has Allegedly Met Some Vegetables
Monica is not what doctors might call a “healthy eater,” but she does seem to consume a vegetable from time to time. Apparently, one of her home-cooking specialties is a dish she calls “Weird Salad.” It’s grilled asparagus and chopped strawberries tossed in soy sauce and balsamic.
And while an apple is not a vegetable, she does, at one point, eat a Cosmic Crisp. This is presumably with the sole purpose of keeping the doctor away, because…
Monica Is a Sugar Fiend
As you might have guessed from her coffee routine, Monica loves a sweet treat to put her on the road to success. In her food diary, she mentions Butterfingers, Starburst, sour rainbows, Baskin Robbins Peanut Butter ’N Chocolate ice cream, Rice Krispies treats, Swedish Fish, and Sour Patch Kids. Monica is also a fan of Thin Mints, which—(girl) scout’s honor—she claims to eat with chili-lime chips. (“Putting that into words, I can’t imagine a more disgusting combination, but here we are.”) Also, en route to an “appointment with my sound resonance healer,” Monica breakfasts on her “special coffee concoction” and four Tagalong cookies.
As of press time, Monica Lewinsky appears to still be alive.
