Craigslist is reliably an interesting place. During our searches we’ve found ads seeking
nudist roommates, others touting drum circles held in the living room, and, of course,
plenty of Nigerian princes. But the roommate-seeking ad we found this morning immediately
shot to the top of our favorites list. We’ll let the text speak for itself.
$800 Seeking Renaissance Bro to Assimilate into Existing Bro Community (Mt. Vernon
Square, DC)
My roommate and I are 29 years old, have known each other since freshman year of college,
and can basically describe each others’ taints with our eyes closed. Despite our age
and our ability to harness wherewithal to accomplish adult-like goals, we are still
very immature. We have lived in the same 3-bedroom row house in Mt. Vernon Square
for the past 7 years. Throughout these 7 years we’ve been the constant, while the
third room has experienced a myriad of spectacular bros over the ages. We have always
managed to keep the changing of roommates within our bro family (which we will delve
into later), but alas we have reached a crossroad in our adult lives where we must
brave the outside world to find the chosen one. I’m not going to lie, all you strangers
out there terrify me. Our previous third roommate, who is as gentle as a newborn porcupine
yet as powerful as an adolescent bonobo, ended up finding his soulmate, getting engaged,
and moving on with his life. Since the end of August, my current roommate and I have
been paying for that third empty room out of pocket as we lobbied with our bro high
council to fill the position. Our pleas fell on the deaf ears of married bros, new
fathers, and committed heterosexuals. As Brooks said in Shawshank, “The world went
and got itself in a big damn hurry.” So I come to you, world, to fill the void in
my life. . .and to help me get back my damn disposable income that has been going
into that third room. . .
As the title implies, we are not just looking for any “bro”, but a renaissance bro
that will seamlessly fit into our crew like bacon and chocolate chips into waffle
batter. In fact, let us define the term bro. We’re not the “bro” you see on MTV, or
any “bro” you see wearing Ed Hardy/Affliction T-shirts. We’re not bros with Nantucket
red shorts, boat shoes, and croakies. We’re not the Magic The Gathering/D&D Bros.
We are just sensible guys that enjoy immature forays on weekends and intellectual
box socials on weekdays. We enjoy the outdoors and traveling. We read a lot of books
and discuss the best way to layer the contents of a BLT. We’re not all fart jokes
and dildo-hats though. We both have legit 9-5 jobs, graduate degrees, and high levels
of general awareness. We have a strong group of bros (approx 30-45 across the eastern
seaboard) that come in and out on a regular basis throughout the week/weekends for
Monday/Thursday night football, movie night, or bro dinners at sick steakhouses. I
know this is a lot, and there is no way I can cover all areas of our bro community,
but I hope this weeds out some of the unsavory “bros” out there.
The third caveat about living in this room is. . . you must be a musician or at least
love music. The room comes furnished with a full size bed, a large desk, 2 closets,
and a bunch of musical instruments. This room has, for 6 of the past 7 years, doubled
as our jamatorium. We have a drum-kit, electric piano, half-stack, 2 more amps, 4
guitars, and congas in that room. Unfortunately there is nowhere else in the house
to store these items, so they come with the room. Hence, you have to like having musical
instruments around your living quarters if you live here. If you are not currently
a musician, but want to learn piano/drums/guitar, well we can accommodate that. We
don’t jam out every night or even every weekend, we never play music after 10 pm on
weekdays, and we will never barge in there while you’re having personal time. However,
these instruments ain’t going nowheres. The bed/desk are optional and you can throw
them out if you so wish.
Now down to the brass tacks. The room is $800 a month. This includes internet, ADT
alarm system, and water. The only utilities we split 3-ways are gas, electric, and
DirecTV (with the NFL package and all movie channels). This is a remarkably good price
for our location and amenities. Did I mention we have a 60 inch LED TV? It’s awesome.
We have all relatively new kitchen appliances in our 2-level row-home. We have a big
yard where we maintain a garden every spring/summer. We are walking distance (4 min)
from the Mt. Vernon/Convention Center metro and about 9 minutes from the Gallery Pl.
Chinatown metro. We got that sick Safeway under city vista as our local grocery store
and a brand new Cross Fit on New York Avenue. Just kidding about Cross Fit. . . if
you are into that don’t email me. JK, but no, seriously.
I hope this ad did not come off douchey, we’re very reasonable guys. We are liberal
about social issues and semi-conservative about the economy. One thing is for sure,
we love capitalism. . .so no occupiers or hippies. We never talk about politics or
religion anyway. If you’re interested, please reply back, come check out the house.
. .hang out on a weekend night and see if you can mesh with our pride of bro lions.
If you like it, we’d ideally like you to move in anytime between November 15th and
December 15th. No security deposit necessary, the lease is month-to-month (but we
ask you give us a 3 month heads up if you’re moving out), and all we ask is for proof
of gainful employment. Ideally you will have a 9-5-ish job as well. . .we don’t want
bartenders/restaurant guys coming in late at night on weekdays and spraying their
hot jazz all over our snuggly dreams. Also, no women. . . sorry ladies. . . I like
to bed you, but not live with you. I’ll live with a woman when I take the plunge into
holy matrimony.
Please email for cross streets, more info.
The only thing that could possibly make this better would be if they’d gone with the
word “bro-munity” in the title instead.
Do you know who posted this? Is this your ad? Share in the comments! Let’s be bros.
