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Announcing Lee Jeans® Highway

Virginia governor Bob McDonnell recently announced a plan to balance the state’s budget by selling naming rights to roads and infrastructure. Here’s an update from his official residence, Frappuccino Mansion.

Dear citizens of our great (and surprisingly affordable!) Commonwealth:

Illustration by Chris Philpot.

I am pleased to report on the Chock full o’Nuts® rich and robust state of Virginia. As you may have seen from our Amazon.com® listings and my infomercial, my plan to sell naming rights to state property has been a Life Saver,® curing our depressed state as readily as Prozac® wipes away your blues.

Since my privatization effort, there have been a lot of changes. Many of you in Northern Virginia have been stuck in our Slim-Fast® Beltway renovations. But don’t worry—we will have Lexus® Lanes for those discriminating travelers who can afford to pay more for both their car and their quicker driving routes.

These should clear traffic along our state’s highways, from iPad®-395 to I-66, now known as Grandma’s Molasses® Expressway.

I’m pleased some of our neighbors have joined our approach. This summer, a boring backup en route to the beach in Maryland will get additional zing as you cross the newly christened Old Bay® Bridge.

A while back, our great Commonwealth had to cut out some highway bathroom facilities. We’re reopening them now that Depend® has become the sponsor of our highway system. This winter, budget problems in clearing roadways were eased by our Morton Salt® trucks. This should make traveling easier on Route 29, now Lee Jeans® Highway, and AARP® Route 50.

Our approach has been so successful that we’ve extended it to schools. The initials will remain the same for prestigious Thomas Jefferson High School—known simply as TJ—but it will now offer “the Maxx for the minimum.”® We’re also healing some divisions from our Confederate history: Stonewall Jackson in Manassas is now Long Fence® High School.

In these troubled times, we’ve had to cut funding drastically for Virginia colleges. I am pleased to report that we will be able to make up for these reductions by turning to the private sector. As a conservative, I had a lot to swallow in changing the name of William & Mary, the nation’s second-oldest college, to the College of Ben & Jerry’s.® But those lefties made us an impressive cash offer, including all the Chunky Monkey® pints we can dish out at state functions. To allow students to compete in today’s global environment, George Mason has been given a bit of Italian flair as Giorgio Armani ® University.

We’ve updated other state institutions, too. While further cutting hours as well as staff handling car registration, our new, soothing-pink Pepto-Bismol® DMV Centers should make the wait easier to stomach. Or just go online to take advantage of our $19 Groupon® for Virginia drivers’ licenses without taking the pesky test.

As I speak to you from our historic residence, Frappuccino® Mansion, the Bounty® of our Commonwealth is stronger than ever.

I know there’s talk of my being an ideal choice for the Republican vice-presidential nomination. Much like I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!,® I am flattered by the comparison.

But I reassure you, my customers—uh, constituents—that my mind is focused on my job in Richmond. Even with my Staples Easy Button,® there is much to be done before I can consider U-Haul®ing my family into the Vice President’s residence at the soon-to-be Sunkist® Naval Observatory in Washington, District of Chipotle.®

This article appears in the May 2012 issue of The Washingtonian.

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