Should I Tell My Friend His Girlfriend Made a Pass at Me?

Our husband-and-wife team advises a reader whose best friend’s penchant for crazy women has put him in an awkward position.

By: Harry Jaffe, Louise Jaffe

Dear Harry and Louise:

One of my best friends tends to date girls that are crazy hot—by which I mean both crazy and hot. He’s been dating his current girlfriend for more than a year now, and the trend has, to say the least, continued. A couple weeks ago after a night out drinking at bars, I went back to my buddy’s place with him, his crazy girlfriend, and another friend. My two friends went outside for a cigarette, leaving me alone with Little Miss Cuckoo. She started to come on to me. I stood up and said we should go outside and check on our buddies, but she pushed me back into my chair, mounted me, and kissed me. I gently removed her and walked outside to join my friends. I have not mentioned the situation to anyone. If I tell her boyfriend, she denies it and I’m the bad guy. If I don’t tell him, I’m not being honest with my friend. What are my options?

Concerned Friend

• • •

HARRY SAYS: What’s her name?

You are wise to wait and keep your counsel. But it seems to me you have a responsibility to your friend, especially if he’s one of your best buddies. First you should get a sense of why he dates crazy hot girls. Does that meet a need—either sexually, or because he wants other people to know he can attract babes?

The down side, and where he needs a friend, is what he expects from the hotties. Is he in it for a casual run? Or does he open his heart and soul? Does he expect them to be true to him? Does he want a commitment? More important, is he in pain when the relationship ends? If you see your friend suffering from his tendency to date crazy and hot women, then you have cause to intervene. As for mentioning your encounter with Miss Cuckoo, I would keep it to yourself. You were a gentleman. You have nothing to hide or admit. If he brings it up, brush it off, as you did her. You are a man of honor—sounds as if he needs one.

• • •

LOUISE SAYS: I had hoped to avoid the verb “to mount” until after many months of writing, but alas, there it is. The obvious answer is to tell your friend everything and let the chips fall as they may. But I don’t want them to fall haphazardly, because they could fall in a way that benefits your important friendship. So let’s think long-term.

There are two factors that you should keep in mind while thinking this through:

1. Lust will trump friendship.

2. Miss Cuckoo will most likely become an interesting footnote in your long-lasting friendship.

Your friend and Cuckoo have been together for a year. A year! Clearly, there is a positive dynamic going on there, or else he would move on. Perhaps this dynamic is all physical and that’s all your friend is looking for. If you reveal all, your friend will be upset with you and with Cuckoo, but unfortunately, you are the messenger who ends up with the knife in his back. Lust wins.

You still have to do something (remember, we’re focusing on the long term): You have to make yourself scarce when Cuckoo is around. Make sure your friend realizes that you will always be there for him and you enjoy his company. If he questions you, then please be honest. You don’t enjoy being around Cuckoo, and you don’t trust her. Take a deep breath and say it, but only if he presses the issue.

This suggestion isn’t fair, and it does separate you from the group temporarily, but your friendship will be the beneficiary of your discretion and separation from Miss Cuckoo.

HARRY SAYS: Seems artificial to me. Your friend needs you around, with or without his squeeze. Whatever happens, you cannot date Miss Cuckoo.

LOUISE SAYS: What’s artificial is standing in a room with your buddy and Cuckoo with a false smile on your face.

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