Valentine’s Guest Blog: Arjewtino’s Tips for Men

Editor’s note: We enlisted the hilarious local blogger Arjewtino for a special Valentine’s Day guest post. Here’s his perspective on how to survive the day of love. Want to hear from other bloggers? Check out their Valentine’s stories here. And be sure to read our Blogger Beat interview with Arjewtino for even more laughs.

Valentine’s Day can be a source of intense pressure on men. We tend to get overwhelmed with questions about what to do. Should I buy her an expensive gift? Should I take her to a nice restaurant? Should I raise the possibility of threesomes?

But the day is much easier than we think it is. That is, if you follow my three-step plan.

I didn’t learn these techniques through easy experience. Rather, I culled them from years of being called “inconsiderate,” “thoughtless,” and “objectively obnoxious.” You, too, can learn these easy steps.

Step one: Don’t wait until the last minute.
I once bought a girlfriend a box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day. This act wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t bought the box of chocolates on the night of February 14. While on my way to meet her. From a CVS convenience store. The chocolates were disgusting, and I’m lucky I got laid.

Next time, think ahead. There’s probably a chocolate store near your house. Or leftover candy from Christmas in your office for you to steal. Broaden your search.

Step two: Be creative.
During another Valentine’s Day in my college years, I had to work late at a pizza shop where I was a delivery boy. My inability to get someone to cover my shift disappointed my girlfriend immensely. Because I hadn’t yet learned the lesson from step one, I had nothing to give her when my shift ended. So I made her a pizza.

It wasn’t just any pizza but a heart-shaped one that I made myself with her favorite toppings. When I delivered it to her dorm in my pizza-boy uniform, all was forgiven.

Step three: Make an effort.
Women don’t just want jewelry or a high-end meal or a unicorn for Valentine’s Day (though if you can get your hands on a unicorn, go for it). What they really want is to see that you made an effort. Because this “effort,” I’ve been told, shows that you care, which women like for some strange reason.

I once took my girlfriend to a Valentine’s dinner at the top of the Kennedy Center. She didn’t care that we got to dress up or that I shelled out $200 for dinner. She liked that I had just thought to do it. Plus, there was a beautiful view of DC up there. If there’s anything that makes women swoon more than a unicorn, it’s a beautiful view.

So guys, just remember this: Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be so hard for you.

Then again, maybe it will be.