'The Real World: DC' Loves its Jiggly Thighs, Dammit!

It was a retreat to heavy—pardon the pun—issues for The Real World: DC in last night’s episodes, as producers haphazardly tried to piece together a coherent narrative about women’s body issues, starring Callie. Sadly, there were also plenty of Emily and Ty, who are starting to make Spencer and Heidi seem like a bearable twosome by comparison. As for Andrew, he was nowhere to be seen, perhaps busy knocking boots with last week's conquest.

Below, see how the eight strangers fared in this week’s episode.

Ty: It’s as if Ty’s brain isn’t connected to his mouth. Not that we’re actually surprised. Since day one, he’s been mouthing off about, well, everything, under the delusion that his obtuseness makes him a realist. And, you know, for someone whose pecs are starting to look more like moobs, he really shouldn’t be one to comment on appearances. The night’s best line came at his expense: “Grow a pair of balls,” he’s told by Emily, who later nails it on the head when she describes him as “overbearing and manipulative.”

Emily: You’ll forgive us for thinking Emily has a penis, but that’s just how she came across last night. She doesn’t like the idea of forming emotional attachments, she’s not interested in being attached to a single person, and she has bigger guns than most guys we know. We rest our case. That aside, Emily loses the episode for spitting on Ty’s face and thinking it was funny—have we learned nothing, America?

Callie: Last night, Callie—so far, the most sincere and appealing of the roommates—was less of an actual human being than a cipher in the heavy-handed plot line devised by the show’s producers. This, of course, is no fault of her own, but points must be deducted, nevertheless. Callie also loses the episode because, while to be insecure is to be human, to wear one of those hideous “ I Love DC” tourist-y T-shirts as an actual resident of the District is just clueless.

Ashley: That she’s sexually frustrated doesn’t surprise us. Lusting after an obviously gay dude will do that to you. What was shocking about Ashley in last night’s episode was just how fun it was to watch her be her usual underminer self. First, she calls Emily a tool to her face and gets away with it by giggling. Later, between laughs, she not-so-subtly suggests she wants to see Emily and Ty together mostly for the drama. And when Emily and Ty engage in a fight and the camera cuts to the rest of the housemates for reaction shots, Ashley looks more amused than actually shocked. She’s a mean girl, this one.

Andrew: In what is perhaps a conscious effort to make us forget about last week (as if we ever could!), Pimpin’ Panda wisely decided to sit this one out and play it low-key. Points must be deducted, however, for the exchange he initiated with Josh about checking out the girls in the shower, which, much like his comics, came across as just flat-out creepy.

Erika: Tales of Erika’s insanity may have been largely exaggerated. So far, she strikes us as a sentient human being, albeit one with an awful proclivity for platitudes. We just about muted our television when she started lecturing Ty on women’s body issues, not because we’re insensitive to these problems, but because every line she delivered was a hackneyed statement devoid of any real insight.

Josh: Three episodes in and we’re starting to believe Josh might be the boring—if slightly unnerving—one of the bunch. Other than the icky exchange between him and Andrew, Josh was once again nowhere to be seen. He gets one more episode before we seriously start looking into our theory that he’s there as the help.

Mike: Mike didn’t fail us. The shirtlessness we were anticipating was finally delivered—though not on the show. Instead of abs, Mike showed some insight in this episode by giving Emily some solid advice: “You’re too good to put up with this shit.” For this—but mostly for his six-pack, really—Mike wins this episode. We still think the eyebrows are freaky weird, though.

For more Real World: DC recaps, click here.

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