One of the reasons the Real Housewives franchise works as well as it does is that we all know what roles the ladies will eventually fall into. The cast of Real Housewives of Washington, DC has wasted approximately no time slotting themselves in their tropes. We all know Michaele was going to be the dippy one, but two episodes in, we also know who to go out drinking with, and where the get the hookup on home cooking. And we also know who's winning and losing the show so far.
Winner, Drinking Buddy Edition (Awarded for Obvious Reasons): Lynda Erkiletian has a flask. She drinks Scotch with Stacie Turner's Aunt Francis (of whom she says “She’s my kind of woman, that Aunt Francis, I’ll tell you. She could definitely be a kindred spirit for me.”). She tells the Salahis (who served beer to Cat and Mary earlier in the episode) “Is there good Virginia wine? Tell the truth. We can’t compete with California. That’s why I’m drinking Scotch.” And she's not afraid to cook with Crisco, so she can take care of you in the grips of a hangover.
Winner, Husbands Edition (Awarded for Spousal Fortitude and Good Humor): Lynda may never want to get married again, but her boyfriend, Ebong Eka, is this week's champ significant other. He politely hears Jason Turner out on his, er, invention during a boys' bonding session in the basement at Aunt Francis's house, then declares to in the confessional, “I am not going to buy myself a penis measuring device because I don’t need to measure it. You can ask Lynda what she thinks.”
Winner, Regular Girl Division (Awarded for Basic Humanity in the Face of Bravo Cameras): I never thought I'd hand down this trophy to him, but Paul Wharton is this week's winner. The stylist may dish, repeat gossip, and declare in the planning for his birthday party that the most interesting question is "who do we not invite? Who do we purposely leave off the list?” But at his slightly off-the-rails party, Wharton gave a touching toast to the friends he's wanted and the life he's built since growing up as an alienated gay kid. Maybe he can be this installment of the franchise's Bethenny Frankel?
Loser, Pearl-Clutching Division (Awarded for the Night's Worst Social Faux Pas): Cat Ommanney started out the hour strong, fulfilling her promise to go riding with the Salahis, where, she noted “The horse I was assigned for the day was called Uncle Buck. He was very calm. In fact, I thought he might have had a Valium before he met me.” But she floundered at Aunt Francis's (trust us, Cat, if the modeling agency owner can chow down on fried chicken and collards, you can too), and lectured Mary a little too sharply on how to handle Mary's struggling daughter Lolly. My advice? Take a Valium yourself, and enjoy the folks you're getting to know.
Loser, Profile-Enhancement Division (Awarded for the Biggest Missed Publicity Opportunity): Mary Amons may be shooting for relateable Mom-hood, but talking about how much she hates Lolly's dog, lecturing her housekeeper, the put-upon Rosa, on cleaning up after it, and insisting to Rich that it would be shocking if Lolly had to use a coin-operated laundry machine isn't winning her points. Cat may have taken the wrong tone with Mary—there's nothing wrong with a mother leaving her waitress daughter a nice tip—but she may be right on the substance.