Real Housewives Winners and Losers: Week Six

Last night’s Real Housewives episode opened with Mary, which frankly should’ve been enough to make the world switch channels right away. Is it just me, or does everyone groan inwardly whenever Mary comes on screen? I’m sure she’s a very nice person and all (actually I’m not sure at all; I’m just saying that so Rich doesn’t beat up my husband in retaliation next time he’s had a few drinks), but her life seems to be pretty gosh darn tedious. More tedious than mine even, and I spent last night watching Real Housewives of D.C. and making notes like, “Gosh, Mary, you have got to get over your frickin’ closet.”

Winner, Reinvention Edition: Lynda. Here are things we know about Lynda Erkiletian: She owns a model agency. She wears fabulous clothes. She told me I was pretty the one time I met her at Cirque du Soleil, and it was the best day of my life. Here are things we don’t know about Lynda: She’s apparently a white witch. She likes to “smudge” things with sticks of burning sage. She knows about things such as good energy and bad energy, and she tells ugly window frames that she loves them even though she knows they’re ugly because she doesn’t want to anger them. Is there no end to this woman’s talents? She’s like Madonna, only less weirdly muscular. Also, mad props to her for wearing the “pouffy” metallic trench coat last night that she wore to be one of The Washingtonian’s style setters last year. Just sayin’.

Loser, Story Line Edition: Mary’s Closet. There are no words to describe how unutterably booooooooooring Mary’s closet is. Granted, reality television has provided us with many questionable story lines in the past (Khloe Kardashian’s multiple phantom pregnancies, Lauren Conrad’s “internship,” Kevin Federline’s waistline), but this has got to be one of the most unbelievably execrable in history. Mary’s obsession with her closet was notable in the first episode, purely for the fact that few moms are so paranoid they have biometric locks on their doors. But that was it. It was doubly uninteresting then, and it’s just upsetting me now. The only way it’d be interesting was if Lolly really was a criminal and this was all some sneaky way for Bravo to imply how untrustworthy she is.

Winner, Mysteriousness Edition: Tareq’s Mom. I’m intrigued by this woman who appears only in pixilated shots or as a subject to be relentlessly torn apart by her own son (and daughter-in-law). As oddly persuasive as Tareq and Michaele can occasionally be, I’m inclined to disbelieve them when they accuse Tareq’s mom of running the vineyard into the ground. Because really, if there was a running-things-into-the-ground contest, the Salahis would be odds-on favorites to win, considering that they’ve managed to alienate everyone in Washington (with the exception of Michaele’s “assistant,” who presumably has now quit after she realized her paycheck was imaginary); piss off the White House; get in a fight with Whoopi Goldberg; and (if you believe the rumors) get fired from the worst Real Housewives franchise ever, despite being the only interesting people in it. So yes, I think it’d be only fair in this case to get Tareq’s mom’s side of the story, especially if she’s completely bananas and doesn’t have a closet.

Loser, Responsibility Edition: Bravo. It’s getting pretty obvious now that Cat has gone from happy Cat to sad Cat and appears to be having some kind of a minor breakdown played out through the television cameras. So maybe it would’ve been nice of Bravo to give her a break when her friend died. I know this is a world that thrives on head-shaving incidents and DUIs and drunken drama, but it’s kind of heartbreaking when it turns out that Cat’s only confidante is her daughter, who’s way more sympathetic and gives way better advice than Mary “Come Near My Closet and I’ll Make a Really Unattractive Face” Amons.

Tune in next week—if you don’t have anything better to do, like cleaning out your underwear drawer or picking apart your toenails—to see the return of Ginger Jason (shudder), Cat being bitchy to someone (surprise), and Michaele pretending to be a Redskins cheerleader. Actually this might be a good reason to watch because it looks really, really ridiculous and it’s outside, so there are no closets in sight.

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Sophie Gilbert