News & Politics

For They Have Sinned: DC Players and Coaches Who Need to Atone

In anticipation of the Yom Kippur, our sports columnist suggests that some DC players need to contemplate their sins

Washington Redskins cornerback, DeAngelo Hall, has some atoning to do after the Cowboys game on Monday. Photograph courtesy of Flickr user Keith Allison

The Jewish high holy days began on Wednesday evening, which means that some of us have atonement on the brain. It’s a solemn time of year, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a bit of fun with it. What follows are suggested topics of atonement that some of our favorite sports personalities.

DeAngelo Hall: If you’re going to talk openly about taking out Tony Romo, you’d better come through. Or, failing that, maybe break up a pass or two to offset all of the yapping.

Rex Grossman: Put down the fork, Rex. Sally Jenkins can see your extra padding from New York. And she isn’t wrong, you moved around like a drunken manatee on that fumble in Dallas.

Andray Blatche: The master of atonement, himself. If only he followed through. Two years ago he was pledging the birth of a new Dray. A “Seven Day Dray.” Then he went out for Chipotle and spent the season relying heavily on ill-advised jump shots. All will be forgiven if he shows up in shape (assuming we have a season) and plays well enough to attract the interest of a trade partner. You can do it, Dray!

JaVale McGee: Planking is a scourge on our society, and the man who calls himself Pierre has been at the forefront of the movement. Now he’s spreading it to the nation’s youth. Please stop before it’s too late.

Bruce Boudreau: Some people will call for his head if the Caps underperform in the playoffs. I’ll do the same if he makes one more local television ad.

Brutal stuff, coach.

Andy Najar: It’s not too late, Andy. Technically you can still bail on Honduras and play for the US. We promise to not take you for granted. Well that’s not entirely true. Most of us will definitely take you for granted. But some of us really do like soccer.

Stephen Strasburg and John Wall: Who am I kidding? They’re perfect. Just keep doing what you’re doing and re-sign in DC when the time comes.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I should probably contemplate atonement for this post.