No Upskirt Views at New Office, Washington Post Reassures Employees

It will not be possible to look up the skirts of Washington Post employees in the news organization’s new newsroom, HR VP Wayne Connell reassured staffers in an instant classic memo Wednesday.

It had been rumored, Connell writes, that “the transparent glass railing surrounding the 8th floor view down to the Hub allows people a direct line of sight from the 7th floor up the skirts of hapless passersby on the 8th floor.” HR, he writes, “immediately dispatched investigators to the site, in an effort to recreate the offending scene. After multiple attempts, we were unable to create the precise conditions where such a view would be possible.” He further notes that “we experimented with a variety of hemlines and styles, including some that [Post fashion critic] Robin Givhan has openly criticized.”

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The memo went out with the subject line “Relocation Update 38: The Empire Strikes Back.” Here’s the full thing:

To All Post Employees,

Following persistent rumors that the transparent glass railing surrounding the 8th floor view down to the Hub allows people a direct line of sight from the 7th floor up the skirts of hapless passersby on the 8th floor, HR immediately dispatched investigators to the site, in an effort to recreate the offending scene. After multiple attempts, we were unable to create the precise conditions where such a view would be possible. It is important to note that we experimented with a variety of hemlines and styles, including some that Robin Givhan has openly criticized. (Robin Givhan was not immediately available for comment.)

To prevent you or someone you know from attempting to create this line of sight, HR has developed a Behavioral Job Aid to maintain the decorum and demeanor appropriate to a professional operation such as ours. When standing in the 7th floor Hub, instead of staring upward, please adhere to the following protocol:

1. Continue moving forward, maintaining a neutral, almost vacant expression on your face.

2. Proceed to your work station.

3. Work.

4. Proceed home, maintaining the neutral, almost vacant expression until you have left the premises.

I need not tell you that this kind of behavior threatens the very fabric of The Washington Post. Skirt-gazing cads and Peeping Toms will face immediate deportation. To prevent a recurrence, we will build a wall around One Franklin Square. A beautiful wall, funded by foreign governments. Thank you for bringing this matter to our attention. We appreciate your cooperation.

Best,

Wayne

Andrew Beaujon

Senior editor

Andrew Beaujon joined Washingtonian in late 2014. He was previously with the Poynter Institute, TBD.com, and Washington City Paper. His book A Bigger Field Awaits Us: The Scottish Soccer Team That Fought the Great War was published in 2018. He lives in Del Ray.