News & Politics

The Mueller Report: Who Should Narrate the Audiobook?

Our choices, ranked.

Photograph by Evy Mages

Like it or not, an (likely heavily redacted) audiobook of Robert Mueller‘s report findings is coming very soon to Audible, thanks to The Washington Post. Since the report is going to land in DC any minute now, we’ve decided to assemble a very unofficial list of the individuals we wouldn’t mind narrating 400 pages of legalese, ranked from most to least likely:

  1. The Washington Post White House team: The most obvious orators of an in-house book would be the employees of the organization that’s publishing them. While I’d rather hear from owner Jeff Bezos himself, I’d be okay with hearing from the reporters who have trudged through Russia-related sludge for the last two years. Plus, I hear journalism is pivoting to podcasts, anyway.
  2. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Another obvious one. She’s able to capture the attention of thousands upon thousands via social media, and her sing-songy voice could make even the most boring segments about potential foreign interference into democracy palatable. Everything is better with a New York accent, anyhow.
  3. The Pod Save America Crew: Who better to spin dull subjects into entertaining (and sometimes frustrating) ear candy than Jon Favreau, Dan Pfeiffer, Jon Lovett, and Tommy Vietor? Plus, they’d probably spin their audiobook into merchandise after, and we could use more Mueller-related swag, because that went so well the first time.
  4. Rosie O’Donnell: Rosie, a notable Trump enemy, has already participated in anti-White House protests including the Kremlin Annex. She’s also expressed some willingness to voice the audiobook and she has copious voice-acting credits, including a memorable stint in Tarzan. I’d be down for an encore.
  5. Cher: I would pay a premium to have resistance icon Cher not only narrate but perform a live version of the Mueller report, all in her signature auto-tune. Imagine all of the song-parody possibilities. “If I Could Turn Back Time” doesn’t even need to be re-written. She’s a vocal critic of the president, so having her toss her sequined hat in the ring isn’t so far fetched.
  6. Ron Howard: As the voice of Arrested Development, Howard has experience narrating the lives of a dysfunctional family. Reading the Mueller report should be a natural fit. And the final season of the Netflix show has several storylines revolving around Donald Trump.
  7. Chapo Trap House: Imagine the color commentary the Chapo Trap House crew could unleaash. Even I could manage to pay the $5 Patreon fee for this.
  8. David Attenborough: You see him out in the distance, incredibly still: A wild, majestic Robert Mueller, rendered petrified from lack of sleep. How does the creature function once he’s brought into captivity? Renounced natural historian Sir David Attenborough will guide us through this mystery with his buttery soft vocals.
  9. Patrick Stewart: Who wouldn’t want Captain Jean-Luc Picard to engage their ears for hours on end? Some might say that a living legend like Stewart would not have time for a 400-page audiobook, but that man lent his vocals to the poop emoticon in The Emoji Movie, so I think he has some time.
  10. Helen Mirren: Imagine the entirety of Congress getting a vocal dressing down from Dame Helen? I think she could even make Mitch McConnell cry.
  11. Ben Shapiro: Just as facts don’t care about feelings, Ben Shapiro’s voice doesn’t care about your eardrums. So why is he on this list? I feel like his fans should be forced to listen to him for hours straight, to, I don’t know, own the libs or something.
  12. Tomi Lahren: I put Tomi Lahren in the same category as Shapiro. Yet, Lahren has this…how shall I say…Judge Jeanine Pirro-like quality about her. I can’t help but rubberneck whenever Lahren pops up on my feed. Sometimes you just have to watch—or listen–until it’s all over.
  13. Bob Odenkirk: Odenkirk plays a shifty lawyer on TV, so he could probably give some pro-bono advice to Individual-1.
  14. Kelsey Grammer: Grammer, a noted Republican, has a pleasant voice and seems to be thirsty for a new speaking role. He’ll know exactly what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
  15. Theresa May: She’s going to need a job soon. Best to get on the side-hustles early.
  16. Will Arnett using his Batman voice: As far as bad Batman renditions go, Arnett’s is at the top of the list. Which is why he’s at the bottom of ours—hearing Arnett read the report would be akin to landing in the ninth circle of Hell. But at least he could be funny? Silver linings.
  17. Chris Cillizza: I simply would not want this to happen, but #content never sleeps, especially for this CNN editor-at-large.

Staff Writer

Brittany Shepherd covers the societal and cultural scene in political Washington. Before joining Washingtonian as a staff writer in 2018, Brittany was a White House Correspondent for Independent Journal Review. While she has lived in DC for a number of years now, she still yearns for the fresh Long Island bagels of home. Find her on Twitter, often prattling on about Frasier.