News & Politics

Food Money Sex: A Think Tank Employee Who Watches Porn With His Girlfriend and Believes “That Food Doesn’t Go Bad”

In Food Money Sex, we ask anonymous Washingtonians to diary the food they ate, the money they spent, and the sex they had over the course of their weekends. Then we put it on the internet. Want to share your weekend? Email Mimi Montgomery at mmontgomery@washingtonian.com. This week:

Does: Works for a think tank and side hustles as a tutor, 24
Is:
Male
Makes: $50,000
Relationship status: In a monogamous relationship of eight months

Food

Friday:

I have a cup of coffee and a single-serve Greek yogurt (the kind with the second section full of honey that you stir in) when I get to work at 7:30 AM. Because I’m here early today for a call with partners in other time zones, I get lunch at around 12:30 PM, as opposed to my normal lunchtime of 1:30–2 PM. A friend and I get falafel salad through MealPal. The rest of the afternoon, I nibble intermittently on a giant block of chocolate someone’s left in the breakroom and then have a very brown banana (also very bland because it’s from 7-Eleven) at about 3:30 PM. I leave at around 5 PM and grab a slice of pizza after getting off the bus. My girlfriend comes over at around 8 PM. She brings ingredients to make a mushroom noodle soup, plus a block of fancy cheese (some kind of cheddar with an espresso crust on the outside) because she is an hour late and feels guilty. We buy a novel cheese product each time we grocery shop. I eat a day-old and kind-of-stale spring roll she bought, then we make mushroom noodle soup and nibble on cheese and crackers while we cook.

Saturday:

We wake up at around 11 AM and my girlfriend gets out of bed about an hour later. She wants some bread, so goes out to the neighborhood farmers market, returning with a baguette and some apple butter, plus three apples and some soy milk I asked her to buy (non-organic, sweetened). I continue sleeping. We eat some bread and apple butter and another thing of yogurt. After lazing around the house for a few hours (her working and me reading), I have some more bread with brie. The brie was purchased before New Year’s, but I firmly believe that food doesn’t go bad. At some point, she goes for a run and comes back with tofu, which we fry and add to the soup for dinner.

Sunday:

I’ve got a potluck brunch with some coworkers. Since I’m a lazy piece of shit, I said I would bring coffee. By the time we get out of bed that morning, it’s already too late to try to cook something, so I take the apple butter from the fridge and plan to stop at a bakery along the way. The line at the bakery is far too long, so I give up and accept that I suck. Other people outdid me, unsurprisingly, so I eat things like tofu scramble, fruit salad, and banana bread. I return home, nap, and read for a while, then heat up the leftover soup for dinner. There’s a lot of soup and I’m starting to get sick of it, not least because for some reason it tastes kind of like beef and I am a vegetarian. I watch a movie (A Serious Man) while eating ice cream (cookies and cream). It’s pretty boring, so I get more ice cream halfway through, then promptly regret it.

Money

Friday:

I’ve already bought breakfast and paid for MealPal, so the only things I spend money on are the slice of pizza ($3.85) and some limes ($1.00) and crackers ($5.50) I run out for while cooking and finally find at the third store I visit. I was supposed to procure rice vinegar, but struck out on that. My girlfriend supplies everything else for dinner. 

Saturday:

My girlfriend doesn’t have cash, so takes $10 out of my wallet before she goes to the farmers market. I’m not sure how much of it she spent or what she did with the change. 

Sunday:

I try to bring some bread to the potluck, but the line is too long and I end up coming with only coffee and some spreads I already had. I buy a couple things of ice cream (the aforementioned cookies and cream and some Samanco fish, a very delicious product to which my girlfriend is constantly taking credit for having introduced me) and some lotion (my legs get very dry and I like to masturbate) at the grocery store later on ($19.32). 

Don’t Miss Another Big Story—Get Our Weekend Newsletter

Our most popular stories of the week, sent every Saturday.

Or, see all of our newsletters. By signing up, you agree to our terms.

Total: $39.67

Sex

Friday:

When my girlfriend arrives, I am laying on the couch reading. After she takes her coat off and puts her things down, she lays down next to me. We cuddle, then begin kissing, then she goes down on me. I come and go down on her; after a few minutes, she pulls me up and we kiss while I finger her. She comes and we keep kissing, then move to my bed where I get behind her and we have sex until I come again. Later, when we go to bed, we have sex again, this time with me on top fingering her until we come at the same time.

Saturday:

Shortly after waking up, my girlfriend and I begin kissing. I go down on her, then we have sex. She works for a few hours, then at some point asks if I think there is porn of a famous person who she has looked up for work. I search for such porn (it exists, but the likeness is not very compelling), which leads to us watching porn, which leads to us going down on each other.

Sunday:

Shortly after waking up, we begin kissing (very sleepily). I take out my retainer and then go down on her until she comes, and then she gets on top until I come. At night, I masturbate using the new lotion I bought earlier. (Perhaps uncalled for, but I needed to test the lotion.) 

Mimi Montgomery Washingtonian
Associate Editor

Mimi Montgomery joined Washingtonian in 2018. Her work has appeared in Outside Magazine, Washington City Paper, DCist, and PoPVille. Originally from North Carolina, she now lives in Petworth.

SIGN UP
We engage readers directly in their mailboxes with topics like Health, Things to Do, Best Brunches, Design & Shopping, and Real Estate. Get the latest from our editors today.
Get The Best Of Washingtonian In Your Inbox!