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Food Money Sex: A 50-Year-Old Who Hides Beer in Her Tumbler During Video Calls, Takes Shrooms With Her Boyfriend, and Watches Tiger King

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In Food Money Sex, we ask anonymous Washingtonians to diary the food they ate, the money they spent, and the sex they had over the course of their weekends. Then we put it on the internet. Want to share your weekend? Email Mimi Montgomery at mmontgomery@washingtonian.com. This week:

Does: Project development, 50
Lives: Arlington, with two teenagers (both home for now)
Is: Female
Makes: $100,000
Relationship status: Divorced, and in a 1.5-year-long committed relationship

Food

Friday: I ate some random chips, cheese, and veggies while working remotely from home. I drank two beers (because, Friday) while doing an online contract closing around 12 PM. Yes, I know, but at least I hid it in my Yeti tumbler. I ran over to McCormick and Schmick’s in Reston that afternoon with my boyfriend to pick up some seafood for the freezer. They were offering  incredible deals to-go: super jumbo lump crabmeat for $22 a pound and scallops for $14 a pound. We love seafood, so this was a huge win and we’re trying to support restaurants during all of this craziness. From there, we went to the Wharf and picked up 50 oysters from Rappahannock Oyster Company to shuck at home. We drank a beer on the docks at the Wharf before we left because now it’s legal to get alcohol to-go—yay! (It’s not yet legal to drink in public, but it was a sunny Friday afternoon, we were on the waterfront, and nobody seemed to care…) We then got a little stoned, ate the oysters, and drank champagne on my boyfriend’s balcony in Arlington before picking up Taco Bamba to have with my kids for dinner. We stopped at Whole Foods after Taco Bamba to pick up tortilla chips, guacamole, beer, and three more bags of chips for my teenage vacuum cleaners. The boyfriend also threw a 20-pack of massive assorted cookies in the cart because “the kids will love them.” He later ate four.

Saturday: We skipped breakfast. We went for a seven-mile hike in Great Falls then headed to the Old Brogue for drive-through beer—again, yay! You’ve got to get some small joys out of this quarantining thing. We enjoyed some delicious post-hike sandwiches: smoked trout from Trader Joe’s on toasted whole wheat with capers, slivered onions, romaine, and everything bagel spread. We washed them down with our Old Brogue beers on the porch of the Peruvian chicken place that’s next door. They were doing takeout, but didn’t seem to mind us or our impromptu picnic. We also picked up a loaf of the Old Brogue’s house-made sourdough to take home, then we went to Safeway for fixings to make dinner at the boyfriend’s place. Assisted by several rum-based cocktails, we made ratatouille, grilled and marinated chicken thighs, and roasted cauliflower. We also had a bottle of wine to go with our binge watch of Love is Blind. What is wrong with those people?!?!? Also, we’re definitely drinking more while being at home so much, but I suspect so are many other people. At least we’re getting plenty of exercise.

Sunday: I had avocado toast topped with a runny fried egg and a side of leftover ratatouille for breakfast. My boyfriend had a bowl of Greek yogurt topped with homemade granola, berries, and honey. We then took some mushrooms around 12 PM and went on a long, trippy, and fun-filled walk through Rosslyn. We stopped at Northside Social for some pastries and a Bitburger beer while on our walk—more illegal public drinking, but we kind of just don’t care anymore. When things go back to normal, we’ll happily be law-abiding citizens, but anything fun is a good thing during these weird times. We came home and made a charcuterie platter with the leftover trout, some sliced cheese, veggies, hummus, and more of the sourdough. We watched the first two episodes of Tiger King, then came back to my house and put a whole chicken in the oven over seasoned potatoes, celery, onions, carrots, and sweet potatoes. We took a bike ride to Vienna and back (thank god for e-bikes) while the chicken was roasting, then shared a bottle of Prosecco and some Malbec with the chicken and veggies.

Money

Friday: $112 at McCormick and Schmick’s, $68 at Rappahannock Oyster Company, $47 at Taco Bamba, and $55.87 at Whole Foods.

Saturday: $14 at the Old Brogue and $78.23 at Safeway.

Sunday: $12 at Northside Social.

Total: $387.10

Sex

Friday: Morning sex—always morning sex. We’ve been together for almost a year-and-a-half, and the sex is still super hot, heavy, and nonstop. I’m so grateful to have such a fulfilling sex life at this age. Honestly, it’s the best and most satisfying sex I’ve ever had, and he says the same. After getting me off orally and other various ways, it ends with me on my knees and him finishing in my mouth.

Saturday: Yep, more morning sex. Traditional missionary style this time. Later, we’re too whipped after our long hike and massive dinner for night-time sex.

Sunday: Lazy, wake-up morning sex before breakfast. He got me off with a vibrator first, I gave him a hand job, and then onto my knees I went. Sunday afternoon, we had serious post-mushroom sex (mushrooms make me incredibly lusty) while enjoying the charcuterie platter. We put some Pornhub on the big screen while I blew him, then we went upstairs to finish with multiple positions before we watched Tiger King and went home to the kids.

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Mimi Montgomery Washingtonian
Associate Editor

Mimi Montgomery joined Washingtonian in 2018. She previously was the editorial assistant at Walter Magazine in Raleigh, North Carolina, and her work has appeared in Outside Magazine, Washington City Paper, DCist, and PoPVille. Originally from North Carolina, she now lives in Adams Morgan.