Well folks, we’ve done it. It took a lot of grit, activism, and cooperation, but we’ve achieved something great as a nation. We’ve created an unyielding market for Bobblehead Faucis.
We’re now almost half a year into the coronavirus pandemic and every other developed country in the world has been able to flatten the curve, some to the point where life looks almost like the Before Times. Idiots. The first rule of Bobblehead Fauci economics is to create an environment so politically and biologically toxic that the only solace people can find is in a $25 hunk of wobbling plastic molded after the septuagenarian tasked with leading a divided nation through a pandemic that disproportionately kills members of his own age group.
The market is so strong right now that the original Bobblehead Fauci is completely sold out, and the proceeds helped raise over $200,000 for frontline healthcare workers. When it was released back in April by the National Bobblehead Hall of Fame and Museum (NBHFM), Washingtonian’s top Bobblehead Fauci economic analysts thought its July shipping date was a disastrous miscalculation. Surely the demand curve for Bobblehead Faucis would be flattened by then? What our experts didn’t foresee was how the country would showcase its American ingenuity and perseverance in keeping the Bobblehead Fauci industry afloat, from eschewing mask wearing to celebrating science-denying public officials.
As a result, the Fall collections from our country’s top Bobblehead Fauci visionaries are simply breathtaking. As the behemoth of the Bobblehead houses, NBHFM had a tough follow-up to nail after debuting the original Bobblehead Fauci in their Spring collection. Their “Red Tie Dr. Fauci” is classic NBHFM but almost boringly safe, whereas “Facepalm Dr. Fauci” really speaks to the present moment. “Are there actually 167,000 dead, 5.26 million total infections and 50,000 new cases a day?” Yes, yes, yes, nods “Facepalm Dr. Fauci,” his head buried in shame.
This season also features some bold design choices from newcomers. Picking up on the Covid-exacerbated athleisure trend, sports merchandise company FOCO is releasing a “First Pitch Dr. Fauci” bobblehead to commemorate the Nationals’ home-opener pitch. It’s the perfect conversation starter. “That silly Dr. Fauci!” your friends and family will laugh as they recollect his errant curveball while failing to flatten their own curves.
Bleacher Creature Toys has turned the bobblehead concept on its head with a Dr. Fauci plush toy. Bobblehead Fauci enthusiasts will find this cuddly, huggable version of the Good Doctor is perfect for children to clutch and sob into at night, and for adults to clutch and sob into at night knowing they can’t assuage the fears of their sobbing children.