Food  |  News & Politics

Adams Morgan Says No More Jumbo Slice Boxes. We Have Some Thoughts.

Just imagine the unintended consequences!

Photo by Peter Fitzgerald

It’s the end of the era: late night pizza will no longer be served in boxes on 18th Street.

The Adams Morgan BID announced that it’s asked pizza spots on the popular late-night strip to serve pizza on paper plates instead of in boxes after 10 PM on weekends. The reason: The boxes were creating too much trash. Pizza will now only be placed in boxes if it’s a to-go order.

Of course, there was a lot of Twitter dialogue about this announcement concerning one of DC’s simultaneously most beloved and reviled dishes. Some folks wondered why the BID couldn’t fix the infrastructure problem and create bigger and better trash receptacles. Others wondered why the eff people were eating Jumbo Slice in the first place. (And to that we say: You’ve obviously never spent four hours on the top floor of Johnny Pistola’s putting nothing in your body besides rail vodka.)

But we also have some hesitations of our own. Sure, it’s a good idea to try to reduce trash, but we can’t help but wonder…will this harm the late-night ecosystem? Below, some thoughts.

No boxes means more outfits will be destroyed

When you’re five million Bud Lights deep (plus the three Fireball shots that some dude named Connor bought you), it’s scientifically proven that it’s much easier to dump food on yourself. If you’re trying to juggle your friend who’s crying (literally, Kelly always freaking cries) with ditching Connor and eating your pizza, it’s helpful to have your ‘za contained in a box for maximum safety. One wrong move, and your slice could end up on the ground. Or, even worse, on yourself. Think of all the crop tops that will be destroyed!

No boxes means less surfaces to balance all your shit

You know the moves—you drape your arm over the side of the Jumbo Slice box, tucking it perpendicular to your body in the crook of your hip like it’s a toddler, or you hug the box perpendicular to your stomach and waddle forward like a pregnant person. This creates an excellent shelf for you to balance all your shit as you stumble back to your apartment. You can fit a ton on the top of a Jumbo Slice box—a Gatorade for tonight, a Gatorade for tomorrow morning, a packet of Alka-Seltzer, a bag of Cheetos for post-Jumbo Slice dessert, your phone (ugh, Kelly’s calling you). And, underneath your shelf of goods, you still have your pizza, warm and toasty and just waiting for you to eat on the couch before you fall asleep sitting up while watching Too Hot to Handle.

No boxes means no hiding

One benefit of a Jumbo Slice box? When you flip the top up, it’s excellent camouflage. We’ve all been there: You leave Madam’s Organ, and you’re kinda sweaty and your makeup’s a bit smeared and your hair definitely did not look like that when you left the house. But it’s all good, because you are about to shove some ginormous slices of pizza in your face. You sit on the curb, eyes half-closed as you deliriously munch your pizza, knowing that you kind of look like Gollum right now, but it’s okay because you have pizza. That is, until it happens—you look up, and the person you used to hook up with is walking toward you down 18th Street. They can not see you in-full on Pizza Gollum mode. But that’s why, on the sixth day, God created Jumbo Slice boxes! Just flip the lid up to hide your face and feast in peace.

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Mimi Montgomery Washingtonian
Associate Editor

Mimi Montgomery joined Washingtonian in 2018. Her work has appeared in Outside Magazine, Washington City Paper, DCist, and PoPVille. Originally from North Carolina, she now lives in Petworth.