Yesterday evening, @POTUS asked Americans to text Joe Biden about what’s “front of mind for you and your family this summer.” And how, one might ask, can you text Joe Biden? Well, through a Delaware phone number that routes to a text-moderation platform called Community, which was apparently co-founded by Ashton Kutcher and the guy who manages Madonna.
If you haven’t already – text me at (302) 404-0880.
Tell me what’s front of mind for you and your family this summer.
— President Biden (@POTUS) June 11, 2023
Apparently, this platform allows celebrities to send text blasts to their fans—and The Masses can also reply. So you, too, can attempt to message Joe Biden—or whichever poor intern drew the short straw and has to field this massive dump of texts.
Re: “massive dump of texts,” many people have already been quote-Tweeting their notes to Uncle Joe, some of which I have helpfully rounded up for you. These texts—a snapshot of our deranged American psyche midway through the year of our Lord 2023—are about music, green cards, pedophilia, Baby Gronk, and the SEC’s alleged plot to destroy the video game industry, among other subjects. Here is a digest of the gloop that Joe Biden’s staff will be wading through for days to come.
A small segment of the American people appears to believe that the President of the United States is something akin to a Magic 8 Ball, who can see the future of their favorite teams and personally inform them of how their seasons will go.
One messaged Joe Biden plaintively, “Will the underperforming padres get it together before it’s too late?” while another asked if Baby Gronk will lead LSU to a national championship. A third user asked the President his plan for fixing the “Chicago Fire Football Club,” and begged him to “please send help to our club, thanks.”
Notably, the Boston Glory—a “semi-professional ultimate frisbee franchise”—saw an opportunity and seized it, texting “Joey B” to ask if he can ban teams from beating them this summer. No word yet from the President.
— Boston Glory (@bostongloryaudl) June 11, 2023
Of the President’s texters, the Twitter account @sielay13 writes, “I guarantee no one is being normal, it’s either r*publicans being weird asf or it’s what the stan twitter girlies are doing and asking about eras tickets.” (Translation: A large portion of people texting Biden are probably Taylor Swift fans trying to get tickets to the sold-out Eras tour.)
I am here to report that @Sielay13 is correct: The Swifties are out, spamming the leader of the free world about concert tickets and asking frantically when more tour dates might be added. At least one person is also curious about dates for the band of Taylor Swift’s rumored boyfriend who—I’m sorry to inform you—recently got in trouble for some things he said on a podcast called “Cum Town.”
In addition, the American people want to know if they can get boygenius tickets, and also if boy genius will do another Tiny Desk Concert, and also what the President’s favorite boygenius song is. They would like to know when someone named “Olivia” will release her new album, and when “Talk by Fletcher” will be back on streaming.
— ♡︎P’izza L’esbian♡︎ (@chaotic_lesbain) June 11, 2023
Republicans Being Extra
Predictably, the opportunity to text Brandon flushed out a lot of folks from the rightward flank of the populace—most of whom weren’t actually texting the President, but merely tweeting derisively about texting the President. Some examples: “Dude – you can’t even walk, let alone read a text,” and “I don’t text pedophiles so I won’t be texting you,” and “Guys, stop sending photos of Hunters dick to Joe. I’m sure he has seen it before.” Some responses were even less printable than that.
One genre of Tweet was veiled threats: “I don’t want the secret service to visit me for what I would text you,” one person wrote, while another user mocked “dumb” militia members (referred to as “Yall Qaeda”) whose texts might earn them a house call from the Secret Service. This brings me to:
IT’S A TRAP!
“This is a honeytrap so obvious even Winnie the Pooh wouldn’t fall for it,” one user wrote, articulating a big question of “text Joe Biden” discourse: whether his presence on Community is perhaps not an earnest effort to communicate with the American people via their mobile devices, but a psy-op or trap, meant to lure right-wing patriots into revealing their honest views to their nefarious leader.
“Don’t take the bait….” tweets @imUrb00gieman. “I wonder how many will fall for this trap and text something indicating they are ‘right wing extremists’ and now the feds have their cell phone #s,” another user muses. @TexConserv23 poses an intriguing question: “Who do you believe is monitoring this number? DOJ, FBI, ?”
Not everyone, to be clear, is mad about this. @chrisdancy calls it a “Brilliant way to get all the racists, homophobes and Nazi’s to give up their phone number, location and identity.”
Serious Policy Issues
A minority of Americans appear to be texting the President about real policy issues that he actually controls. Some of them are agitating for student loan forgiveness. Others are concerned about the green card backlog, or human rights violations in Pakistan, or the SEC allegedly being “out to destroy” the video game industry. Good for you all. You’re serious people. Maybe a letter would get better results?
It’s a long shot.. but worth a try. I wrote and expressed my thoughts on our incredible industry and how the SEC is out to destroy it. Retweet and join me! https://t.co/sIoIbq21wy
— Indiana (@indianajgames) June 11, 2023
Utterly Bewildering Pop-Cultural References
Perhaps you, in recent days, have encountered this instant classic:
— Colin Duffy (@TheRightDuff) June 8, 2023
I am here to tell you that it’s real. An enormous number of the responses to President Biden are—to me, a 31-year-old American who is moderately online—completely unintelligible.
- “what can you do for me and molly to have a private concert with 5sos while sawyer goes finding haunted houses with s&c” [link]
- “What if asked him if he’s going to see Ghost this summer? Maybe we could trade bracelets and get a plushia together.” [link]
- “president biden if anyone knows where Harryween is its u……..pls say msg” [link]
- “what are your plans on therapy for us after we watch bellyconrad prom scene in season two?!” [link]
- “president biden what is your plan for getting bo-katan kryze her own disney+ spin off series?” [link]
If this is a problem for me, then it might also vex our octogenarian POTUS—a scenario that one user wisely foresaw: “Imagine Sleepy Joe’s confusion when his phone is flooded with texts from some middle aged man asking him to interview a Baby Gronk.”
Imagine Sleepy Joe’s confusion when his phone is flooded with texts from some middle aged man asking him to interview a Baby Gronk https://t.co/XqIvKHaIIn
— evan (@evanmlapointe) June 12, 2023
White House staff, if you wish to describe this glorious moment to me—when the President opens his phone and learns of Baby Gronk and the bellyconrad prom and getting plushias together while seeing Ghost—I am all ears. You can reach me by email. I do not prefer text.