News & Politics

Food Money Sex: Birthday Drinks, Food Poisoning, and Shower Sex With a Vibrator Named JJ

The weekend consumption diary for a random Washingtonian.

In Food Money Sex, we ask anonymous Washingtonians to diary the food they ate, the money they spent, and the sex they had over the course of their weekends. On Mondays, we put it on the internet. This week:
  • Does: DoD Contractor, 32
  • Lives: H Street Corridor, with a roommate
  • Is: Female
  • Makes: $87K
  • Married? Single
Food:
  • Friday: I took today off because yesterday was my birthday. I scrounge around in my cabinets and find some crackers, an apple and some prosciutto. It becomes my breakfast. At Target, I hit up the in-store Starbucks, because I am a rewards member they give you a free birthday drink. I ordered a venti toasted coconut cold brew, that shit tastes like the topping on the Somoas Girl Scout cookie. By noon, I am starving, I pop in at Pho 12 in Brookland, grab a Large #14 and a pot of tea because the rain is getting me down and Pho is amazing. I then go in search of cupcakes for my birthday gathering, hitting 2 Giants and a Safeway to only come across chocolate cupcakes. I am not a chocolate fan so this is not ideal. I decide to snag candy for all the RSVP’ers, the movie theater sized boxes, Giant has them on sale for $1 each, I snag 24. Head out to Archipelago to celebrate my birthday around 5pm, took the 90 bus.  I pretty much drank every one of their happy hour drinks, bought and shared with me by my wonderful friends. I bought a round of drinks for friends that came out. Roommate’s girlfriend drove me home while I tried not to get ill from all the rum and booze and lack of real food.
  • Saturday: 2 am: Wake up STARVING, grab a glass of water and about a dozen crackers. Shovel them into my drunk face and pass back out. Hung over but I signed up to volunteer with Humane Rescue Alliance’s (HRA) outing with the Congressional Cemetery’s Day of the Dog 5k. On the way to snag a rescue pup for the morning, I hit up McDonald’s for some emergency hash browns and the biggest diet coke they have.  I am blessed with a slow moving pup and we mosey through the 5k and are rewarded with free Pretzel Bakery pretzels (I take 2—though I shared with the pup). After returning the pup to the shelter (the SUCKIEST aspect), I return to Pho 12. Nothing cures my hangover like Pho, Large #14 again but I add extra brisket and leave off the Sriracha, the stomach can’t handle the spice this AM. After a shower and a nap, I go with the HRA to The Nationals Pups in the Park day. They released us to enjoy the Nats V Phillies game about midway through the 4th inning. By this point, I am starving again and hit up the BBQ joint on the patio for a Brisket Sandwich and Fries with a water. While waiting in line, I check my social media account and find out a couple of friends are at the game, join them in their seats and watch Mr. Harper do his walk off home run thing for the win (YAY).
  • Sunday2 am-6am: Dear god, I think I have food poisoning. There are unearthly things happening that are not fit for public consumption, pretty sure anything I ate on Saturday is now in the DC sewer system. Wake up around 10 am, nibble on some crackers and drink some seltzer water. Walk my pup, binge the last 4 episodes of Grace and Frankie on Netflix. Drink some more water, crawl back into bed for some more sleep. Wake about around 2:30. Feeling slightly better. I have 0 desire to cook for myself but I am feeling hungry, I open up Grubhub and look for soup. Find Prescription Chicken. Order the Vegetarian Matzo ball soup and chocolate chip cookie ($24). Turn on my Sunday guilty pleasure of Hallmark Movies (don’t knock them, simple plot lines and they always have a happy ending.) Later, I finish my book on my kindle, In The Shadow of Kilimanjaro. Read a romance novel until I am too tired to keep my eyes open, which for this Rock Star was at like 9:30 pm.
Money:
  • Friday: I used most of the day to run errands, dropping some items off at Good Will (should add about $25 in deductions for my 2017 tax returns) and returning a table cloth to TJ Maxx ($14 back on my credit card). I stopped in at Target to use the gift card that my grandmother gave me for my birthday, bought a dress for my birthday outing and some new knickers. Total came out to $50.87 but I only spent the extra $0.87, thanks Grandma! Pho: $17. Giant candy: $24. Bus ride: $1.75. One round of drinks: $67 (I assume that includes tip, but the end of the night was getting hazy).
  • Saturday: McDonald’s: ($3.47). More pho: $13. Metro to and from Nats Park: $6. BBQ: $22.
  • Sunday: Soup: $24. Cheap romance novel from Amazon: $1.29.
  • Total: $140.51
Sex:
  • Friday: Before dinner, I hop in the shower with my trusty Jimmy Jane vibrator (named JJ), hot water and a solid O make that just a lovely shower, plus my roommate was at work so I could be loud and not care!
  • Saturday: Back from the 5K, I smelled a bit like wet dog. Post-shower O with JJ, I didn’t trust my legs in the shower this time and a NAP.
  • Sunday: None.

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