News & Politics

Food Money Sex: The Recently Separated 26-Year-Old Who’s Sleeping With Three Men

The weekend consumption diary for a random Washingtonian.

Disclaimer: This column is not for everyone, especially young readers, as it contains detailed descriptions of sexual activity.
In Food Money Sex, we ask anonymous Washingtonians to diary the food they ate, the money they spent, and the sex they had over the course of their weekends. On Mondays, we put it on the internet. This week:
  • Does: Sales Rep, 26, with a side hustle coaching ice skating
  • Lives: Courthouse area, with one roommate.
  • Is: Female
  • Makes: Depends on commissions but let’s say $60,000
  • Married? Recently separated (within the last 2 months) from my husband of less than 2 years, we were together about 5 years.
  • Friday: I went to Orange Theory Fitness first thing. I recently signed up for this because I control my money now. These classes kick my butt! Afterwards, I ran over to Whole Foods to pick up some protein bars. I see that they have those RX Bars that every fitness fanatic rages about on their Instagrams. I pick up the Maple Sea Salt, the Peanut Butter one, and a Chocolate Peanut Butter Quest Bar (gotta have a tried and true!). I eat the Maple Sea Salt RX bar on my drive home. It’s super sticky and sticks to my teeth, but tastes good. I’ve got a meeting at 10AM out near Ashburn, so I rush to get ready and decide to eat a bowl of old fashioned oats with peanut butter so I don’t get hungry in the meeting. For the road I make an “iced coffee” or my version of it…2 shots of espresso, 1/2 a shot glass worth of Bailey’s Hazelnut Caramel creamer (non alcoholic, I can’t start this early!), and sweetened vanilla almond milk. On Fridays, I normally have lunch out, but we had a free vendor lunch the other day. So instead I heat up something I meal-prepped. It’s a mix of rice, black beans, red onion, corn, jalepeño, topped with avocado, cilantro, and lime juice. I love Mexican food so much, and every time I eat it I think back to Miss Congeniality when Stan introduces Miss Texas and says, “she eats as much Mexican food as she can get,” lol it truly describes me. At about 3PM I’m so over work for the week (let’s be real, I was over work for the week on Monday at 10:30AM), I eat some Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough from Cookie Dough Cafe in boredom. I then decide to skip out early from work and head to Express because there is a 40% off sale. All afternoon I snap with my FWB (Friends With Benefits, let’s call him Guy #1) to figure out what were doing tonight, we decide on MGM National Harbor. I’ve never been, he offers to drive and tells me to pre-game. After Express I head back to my apartment and drink a whole bottle of Prosecco as I get ready. We sit at a bar in the food court area of MGM National Harbor, I have a 3 Stars White IPA (he pays for the beers!) and we decide on Shake Shack. I grab a single SmokeShack burger with fries and a Whiskey Caramel Shake. The whiskey flavor is strong, so I switch between the shake and my beer. We play a few slots and some roulette and then head back home. I stop and grab a 6 pack of New Belgium Fat Tire, and down 2 of them when I get home, because I’ve lost my buzz. Guy #2 comes over, we hang out. I’m in bed around 2AM.
  • Saturday: I wake up and down 2 Nalgenes of water. I cut up an apple and spread some peanut butter on it. Later in the morning I make myself an iced coffee like yesterday’s and I head to the Court House Farmers Market.  I pick up some fruits and veggies for meals this week, and a bag of mini donuts from Mac’s Donuts for later. I woke up craving a bagel and cream cheese, and walk over to Brooklyn Bagel and pick up an everything bagel with scallion cream cheese (hits the spot). After cleaning and meal prepping for an hour, I have lunch before heading to my side hustle. Lunch is leftovers from Super Pollo and some green beans.  Super Pollo is so amazing—I always get the same thing: 1/4 chicken, chicken fried rice and black beans. My side hustle takes up my entire afternoon, driving all the way to the rink, practice and back. I get home at 6PM, and have an apple that I got earlier at the farmers market. My friend from college came over, and it was her turn to choose the restaurant, but my turn to pay. She brings the wine. We decide to split PF Chang’s, an order of pork dumplings, pad thai, and a slice of cheesecake. It’s a pretty chill night in, we eat dinner, share a bottle of Mark West Pinot Noir, and watch Girl Boss on Netflix.  I’m in bed by 10PM.
  • Sunday: I have my side hustle early on Sunday. On the drive there (45 min) I eat the Peanut Butter RX bar. I stop at Panera and buy the biggest coffee possible and a cinnamon scone (the best). 3 hours later, I head back home and get a text on the way from Guy #1 that he’s super hungover and he’s bailing on brunch. I’m a little annoyed. For lunch I have an apple, green beans, some of the Taco Lentil soup I made yesterday and a Cran-Raspberry LaCroix. After lunch, I go to the gym at my apartment complex. It’s Chest and Abs day. I’m tired from this morning and the gym, but decide to get my nails done because I chipped two of them on Friday at OTF. I head to Aura Day Spa in Arlington and get the SNS powder dip in baby pink (it takes me a while to choose my color, I consult Essie’s Instagram page). Once my nails are done, I go get my skates sharpened at Kettler Iceplex. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince is on TV when I get home, so I watch that for about an hour. I have part of a sweet potato, and this quinoa mix I made last week before heading to my side hustle again. I didn’t drink at all Sunday. I get home around 11PM from coaching and stopping at Guy #3’s place.
  • Friday: $8.08 at Whole Foods 3 Protein Bars. $209.67 at Express 3 dresses, a pair of black jeans, black leggings, a light pink body suit. I figure I have 45 days to return everything if I don’t like what I bought. $3.00 parking at Pentagon City Mall. $18.31 at Shake Shack. $13.24 on a 6 pack of New Belgium Fat Tire.
  • Saturday: At the farmers market: $14.35 at Westmoreland Farms—5 apples, butternut squash, 2 red peppers, and .5 lb of green beans. $4.25 at Laurel Grove Farms—garlic, 2 sweet potatoes. $6.00 at Linda Vista Farm—2 pints of Brussels sprouts (the man behind me told me my mother would be proud, I laughed awkwardly). $7.21 at Waterpenny Farm—bundle of flowers (so worth it, they’re pretty). $5.00 at Mac’s Donuts—a bag of mini donuts. $3.29 at Brooklyn Bagel. $22.71 at Whole Foods—bag of tortilla chips, jalepeño, can of black beans, can of corn, almond milk, crushed tomatoes and a bag of green lentils. $36.35 at PF Chang’s Door Dash—pork dumplings, pad thai, and cheesecake.
  • Sunday: $4.65 large coffee and cinnamon scone at Panera. $29.27—gas. $60 for Aura Day SpaSNS Powder dip nails (including tip). $20.29 on skate sharpening and a pair of tights at Kettler Iceplex.
  • Total: $465.67
  • Friday: I see my FWB a.k.a. Guy #1. I met Guy #1 a few months ago on Tinder when I was in the open relationship part of my marriage. He comes over to mine so we can drive to MGM National Harbor and keeps kissing and biting my neck telling me how fantastic I look. Next we move to the bedroom, where I give him oral, then we move into doggy style. We refresh and head out for the night. Guy #2 texts me around 9:30PM telling me his happy hour is over and that he wants to get together. Guy #2 does not classify as a FWB, he’s simply a fuck boy, and I’m ok with that. He’s a friend of my coworker and they used to have a fling this summer.  My coworker has no idea that I even talk to him.  Back to sex, I let him know that I’ll be home around 11PM. He comes over (he’s a little buzzed), we chat for about 10 minutes in the kitchen. As he goes to the bathroom, I turn on some music (whatever YouTube selects in my mix—it’s generally a blend of Coldplay, Sia and EDM). He comes into the bedroom kisses me and throws me on the bed and says, “Let’s get this going,” and I agree. He’s on top of me, we’re making out and he’s playing with my boobs. After a bit of oral for him—and experimenting with different angles—he focuses his hands on me, then we switch it up again to me on top in cowgirl. It feels good, so I’m there for a little bit until my legs tire out (it was leg day yesterday at the gym). I get off, give him more oral until he’s done and he leaves about 5 minutes later.
  • Saturday: As I’m eating lunch, one of my cousin’s friends snaps me.  I hear from him every so often (when he’s horny or when I’m horny haha). He and I go back and forth on the dirty things we’d do to each other the next time we see each other. I’m pretty turned on, so I grab my Hitachi magic wand and think of him. I have a few good O’s, the best sex toy ever haha.
  • Sunday: I was supposed to see Guy #1 for sex and brunch today. He bails. Around 8:30PM as I’m headed back from coaching, Guy #3 texts me to see if I want to come over. I do. I met Guy #3 on Tinder a few weeks ago, and the first time we had sex was amazing, so I guess I keep coming back for more (bad pun intended). I make it to his place in DC. We sit on his blue futon and chat about his weekend and mine. We make out and I straddle him, he takes off my tank top and sports bra, and pays good attention to my boobs. I get up and walk to his bedroom, he takes off his shirt as I undo his pants. He then pushes me onto the bed, and does me doggy. He flips me onto my back and gives me oral and I finish. After a little more fun—this time with my legs in the air—I return the favor and give him oral. I hang around to get dressed and head home. I’m at his for a little over an hour total.

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