News & Politics

Food Money Sex: A Married Couple Who Leave the Kids With the Grandparents and Take a Ton of Edibles

In Food Money Sex, we ask anonymous Washingtonians to diary the food they ate, the money they spent, and the sex they had over the course of their weekends. Then we put it on the internet. Want to share your weekend? Email Mimi Montgomery at [email protected]washingtonian.com. This week:

Does: Works in private equity and real estate development, 39
Lives: NoMa
Identifies: Male, straight (but my wife and I both dabbled on the other side of the fence before we met)
Makes: About $615,000 a year
Relationship status: Married for ten-and-a-half years

Food

Wednesday

Our weekend starts on Wednesday this week. I wake up at 7 AM MDT [we flew into Denver from DC late last night] to close out a few real estate projects for the Gulf Coast, and I’m finalizing due diligence on a new acquisition for a tech-based, woman-owned healthcare company in Bangladesh. My wife is a sleeper, so I have to wake her up so we don’t miss the buffet breakfast, which is now brunch for us. We’ve been doing intermittent fasting for over a year, which has been amazing for keeping our weight down. (Don’t eat after 8 PM or before noon. We don’t normally eat breakfast, and yes, we broke our rule, but whatever, we’re relaxing this week).

Covid-style buffet—what is that? You tell the waitress what you want, and they bring it. My wife’s a foodie (and an eater), so it’s rare we don’t try a good chunk of what’s on the menu. We start with a fully-loaded omelette with bacon, ham, and sausage. Next, some French toast followed by a couple of chocolate chip, walnut, and blueberry pancakes. (Yes, that was all in the same pancake.) The roasted potatoes are amazing. We have a couple sides of bacon, sausage, a cheese danish, a fruit parfait, chocolate milk, orange juice, and what I believe to be chocolate mousse. I also try a couple of bites of her poached eggs on a biscuit with hollandaise sauce.

I forgot to mention—being in Denver, we both took an edible this morning, hence the smorgasbord. (And the giggliness.)

We fly back home [to DC that night]. My wife and I both have to get a bag of candy for our anxiety on flights. If it’s going down, at least we went out with a stomach full of Sour Patch Kids and gummy bears. For dinner, we take a two-hour drive to my dad’s trailer out in the middle of nowhere. We aren’t sure if he is starting to get dementia or if he just took too many drugs throughout his hippie life—needless to say, it’s never boring with him. We bring him his favorite German chocolate cake and take him to a local grille, the only restaurant within 30 miles. We’re celebrating his birthday, which is on April Fool’s Day. We have the best fried mac-and-cheese balls ever, and a fried chicken sandwich that tops any of the fast-food versions. (I’ve tried them all.) On the way out, some of the locals see our Tesla’s falcon wing doors. They’re blown away, and ask a lot of excited questions about electric cars.

Thursday

We decide to stay at another hotel—we’re taking advantage of our kids being with the grandparents. My wife wakes up around noon, we drive to a local mall, take an edible when we get there, and begin to eat sporadically at different places throughout our five hours there. We have cinnamon rolls, cheese-stuffed pretzels, a Korean chicken sandwich, a black caramel shake, and a bubble tea.

For dinner, we eat at the hotel’s restaurant. We have Topo Chico, a Cobb salad, crab cakes, and mushroom ravioli in a creamy sauce—the best I’ve ever had. Also, I forgot to mention we took another edible when we got back to the hotel.

Because we’re still celebrating my wife’s month-long birthday, I had the hotel surprise her with a cake, flowers, and mimosas in our room. She doesn’t like flowers (it’s the thought that counts), and we prefer edibles, so we don’t really drink. But we love cake, so we eat about half of it to top off the night.

Friday

I have my in-laws bring my youngest daughter (age 5) to the hotel while my wife sleeps in. I take her to the heated pool with big slides and have a couple of small plates of fruit and pancakes brought out.

For dinner, our 9 year-old makes us our favorite dish from Spain. I forget what it’s called, but it’s kind of like a shepherd’s pie without the mashed potatoes. Also, it’s not lost on me how rare it is for a 9 year-old to make this fancy of a meal for her parents. This happens about twice per week.

Money

Wednesday

Hotel: $550
Buffet: ~$105 with tip
Flight: $800
Dinner: ~$40 for the three of us

Total: ~$1,500

Thursday

Mall food crawl: ~$10 each stop, and ~5 stops
Shopping at mall: $450 in clothes for my wife
Hotel restaurant dinner: $90
Cake, flowers, and champagne we didn’t drink: $180
Hotel stay: $450

Total: ~$1,250

Friday

Fruit and pancakes by the pool: Charged to room, didn’t look at the price
Daughter-made meal: ~$30 in groceries

Total: ~$50

Sex

Wednesday

I’ve been waiting for this. No kids, so I’ve already prepared for when we get to the hotel. (This technically happened the night before, but it was late and we’d had an edible and vaped, which always puts her in the mood. Let’s call it after midnight and Wednesday, depending on the timezone.) I packed her bigger vibrator with the suction and the tiny bullet vibrator for stimulation. I place them on the bed, say, “Let’s take our clothes off,” and she begins to use both vibrators at the same time. I slather myself in lube and slowly slide it in. I pace myself to make sure she climaxes, and when she does, I can’t control myself after hearing her moans, and I finish inside of her. She doesn’t know I finished, too, and says, “Why can’t we finish at the same time like in the movies?” I whisper in her ear “We did.”

I know sex isn’t coming later in the day—back-to-back days are rare for us. So as she showers for the night, I secretly masturbate from bed while looking at her reflection from the shower window into the bathroom mirror. I waited a little too long to start, so I’m worried she’ll get out before I finish, but I end up climaxing just in time.

Thursday

We’ve sobered up from the mall, and take another edible. She asks what our plan is as we get out of the car. I tell her we’re going to go have sex and then put on our new fancy clothes and go have dinner. (And by fancy, I mean she just bought some $200+ overalls, because apparently the ’90s are coming back.) We get to the room, and I’ve already put her two vibrators on the bed; she starts to get to work before I get in there. I jump in—this is a longer session than before. She’s trying to cum, but I’m not sure it’s going to happen. After about 30 minutes, she tells me it’s not happening, so I lift her off of the bed, standing straight up, holding her in the air while she’s still riding me, and I tell her to keep going. I cum inside of her as my legs give out and we fall to the bed. She looks at me and says “I didn’t want to interrupt you, but I didn’t know we were going to do it porno style.” On our way to dinner, I have her pose by a water fountain for a quick photoshoot in her new outfit (that, of course, I show off on my IG).

Friday

No sex. I got my second Covid shot, and this adventure is over. It’s back to normal mom-and-dad life until our Hawaii trip in a couple of months.

(Side note: My wife is a very strong-willed, beyond intelligent doctor. She took off the second half of the week so we could have some fun when I wasn’t working. She’s my rock, and there’s no way I’d be where I am today without her support, silliness, and love.)

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Mimi Montgomery Washingtonian
Associate Editor

Mimi Montgomery joined Washingtonian in 2018. Her work has appeared in Outside Magazine, Washington City Paper, DCist, and PoPVille. Originally from North Carolina, she now lives in Petworth.