News & Politics

Sarah Palin Wants to Move to DC

She's competing against Santa Claus to live in this "hot mess" of a town

Sarah Palin. Photo courtesy Gage Skidmore via Flickr.

Blue America’s least favorite hockey mom is running to replace recently-deceased Alaska Congressman Don Young. “We need people who have cojones,” the former Alaska governor told Sean Hannity in March, before promising there would be “no more of this vanilla milquetoast namby-pamby wussy-pussy stuff that’s been going on.”

Translation: Sarah Palin wants to move to DC. It’s a longheld dream of hers—back in 2008, she publicly flirted with relocating to the Capital Region, eyeing a prime parcel at the Naval Observatory. Palin lost her bid on the property, while also helping to scuttle the McCain family’s quest for a bigger house.

The DC area has proved attractive to many ambitious Alaskans: More than 50 candidates are competing with Palin for a chance to relocate. Perhaps this is due to the region’s advantageous geography—these days, it’s got to be disconcerting to be able to see Russia from your house. Another draw could be recent rumors of a postpandemic nightlife revival, one that is apparently quite vibrant among older members of the Republican caucus.

Unlike many of her rivals, Palin already has a national platform, which could buoy her in the race. But she does have one opponent with stratospheric name-ID: a burly, bearded man named “Santa Claus” (F.K.A. Thomas O’Connor), who is currently a city councilmember in the Alaskan town of North Pole.

If Palin can overcome the strength of the Santa Claus brand, then she might be headed for Washington, a town she has previously derided as “one hot mess.” “It just seems so Orwellian around here,” she observed of DC in 2013. Nonetheless, Palin is soldiering on with her longtime dream: to become our disgruntled neighbor, a Mama Grizzly clawing through a company town whose industry she loves to hate.