Announcing Lee Jeans® Highway

Dear citizens of our great (and surprisingly affordable!)
Commonwealth:

Illustration by Chris Philpot.

I am pleased to report on the Chock full
o’Nuts® rich and robust state of Virginia. As you may have seen
from our Amazon.com® listings and my infomercial, my plan
to sell naming rights to state property has been a Life
Saver,® curing our depressed state as readily as
Prozac® wipes away your blues.

Since my privatization effort, there have been a lot of
changes. Many of you in Northern Virginia have been stuck in our
Slim-Fast® Beltway renovations. But don’t worry–we will
have Lexus® Lanes for those discriminating travelers who
can afford to pay more for both their car and their quicker driving
routes.

These should clear traffic along our state’s highways, from
iPad®-395 to I-66, now known as
Grandma’s Molasses®
Expressway.

I’m pleased some of our neighbors have joined our approach.
This summer, a boring backup en route to the beach in Maryland will get
additional zing as you cross the newly christened Old
Bay® Bridge.

A while back, our great Commonwealth had to cut out some
highway bathroom facilities. We’re reopening them now that
Depend® has become the sponsor of our highway system.
This winter, budget problems in clearing roadways were eased by our
Morton Salt® trucks. This should make traveling easier on
Route 29, now Lee Jeans® Highway, and
AARP® Route 50.

Our approach has been so successful that we’ve extended it to
schools. The initials will remain the same for prestigious Thomas
Jefferson High School–known simply as TJ–but it will now offer
“the Maxx for the minimum.”® We’re also healing some
divisions from our Confederate history: Stonewall Jackson in Manassas is
now Long Fence® High School.

In these troubled times, we’ve had to cut funding drastically
for Virginia colleges. I am pleased to report that we will be able to make
up for these reductions by turning to the private sector. As a
conservative, I had a lot to swallow in changing the name of William &
Mary, the nation’s second-oldest college, to the College of Ben
& Jerry’s.® But those lefties made us an impressive cash
offer, including all the Chunky Monkey® pints we can dish
out at state functions. To allow students to compete in today’s global
environment, George Mason has been given a bit of Italian flair as
Giorgio Armani ® University.

We’ve updated other state institutions, too. While further
cutting hours as well as staff handling car registration, our new,
soothing-pink Pepto-Bismol® DMV Centers should make the
wait easier to stomach. Or just go online to take advantage of our $19
Groupon® for Virginia drivers’ licenses without taking
the pesky test.

As I speak to you from our historic residence,
Frappuccino® Mansion, the Bounty® of our
Commonwealth is stronger than ever.

I know there’s talk of my being an ideal choice for the
Republican vice-presidential nomination. Much like I Can’t Believe
It’s Not Butter!,® I am flattered by the comparison.

But I reassure you, my customers–uh, constituents–that my mind
is focused on my job in Richmond. Even with my Staples Easy
Button,® there is much to be done before I can consider
U-Haul®ing my family into the Vice President’s residence
at the soon-to-be Sunkist® Naval Observatory in
Washington, District of Chipotle.®

This article appears in the May 2012 issue of The Washingtonian.