News & Politics

If Red Ran the Wizards

Arnold "Red" Auerbach is identified with the championship Boston Celtic teams of the 1960s and '70s. But the George Washington University graduate is a dyed-in-the-wool Washingtonian. He appears regularly at GW games–he's in the school's hall of fame–and he's a familiar face at Wizards games. With Michael Jordan living in Chicago and a no-show at most Washington games, what about Red? Given the chance to resurrect our local team, the legendary cigar-chomping coach might make these changes.

1. Cut Rod Strickland. Look for a couple of guys named Jones.

2. Find a skinny, left-handed kid from San Francisco and give him number six. Anybody they get will be better than the team's recent centers.

3. Change the name of MCI Center to Washington Garden.

4. Turn up the heat in the visiting team's locker room.

5. Sign John Thompson as backup center.

6. Provide opposing coach with exploding cigar.

7. Ship Juwan Howard to the Syracuse Nationals.

8. Teach Jahidi White to shoot free throws underhanded.

9. Get the ads off basketball floor; replace with parquet floor full of dead spots.

10. Paint shamrocks on Wizards' Nikes.