Normally, as the 100-or-so regular readers of this column will know, we like to start with the winners and finish with the losers in a particular Veep episode but in last night’s offering, “Andrew,” there was only one winner, and his supremacy was crystallized by his name being the title of the show. As the great poet Phillip Larkin once wrote in his ode to poor parenting, “They f**k you up, your mum and dad.” Between the slimy, self-serving Andrew and the more entertainingly self-serving Selina, one has to hope poor Catherine has her therapist on speed dial.
Here’s a fun fact: The tremendous Sarah Sutherland, who plays Catherine, and whose horrified facial expression watching her parents go at it outside the limo while Mike eyed her birthday cake deserves an Emmy category all of its own, is the daughter of Kiefer Sutherland, so presumably she’s no stranger to high-profile childhoods. Anyway, Catherine, we feel your pain. If it were me I would have eaten the whole cake and then ground the remnants in Mike’s weaselly mustache, so your restraint is remarkable.
Catherine: Her 21st birthday party at the National Gallery (is this allowed? I kept eyeing the fake Monet behind the deejay with fear in case he started feeling the beat and accidentally stuck an elbow through it) was ruined by budget negotiations, and her make-up-for-the-ruined-party-dinner at Cafe Milano was ruined by her loathsome father and a number of citizens with camera phones catching Selina looking furious. Also the sexual tension between her parents was so electric that Catherine thought they were going to do it on the table. Then her mother blew out her candles for her, saying, “You can make your wish in the car.” Then both parents ditched her to go at it on a DC street. There isn’t enough Xanax in the world for all this birthday action. Thank god for Rahim.
Mary King and Selina: Their budget deal was busted by POTUS, which means they’ll be blamed for the inevitable government shutdown. Mary King nearly coughed herself inside out after an allergic reaction to Catherine’s birthday flowers. And Selina’s known as Meyer the Liar again, thanks to Mike, who is basically so incompetent he shouldn’t be allowed out of the house.
Ed: He might be the Hunter S. Thompson of bar mitzvahs, and he might get to tell Jonah that he’s like an “early draft of a man, where they just sketched out a skeleton but they didn’t have time to add details like pigment or self-respect,” but he still didn’t seem to get anywhere with Amy.
Gary: He calls his boss “sweetie,” and then he admits he wants to make out with her. Is his new bag possessed?
Monet: Compared to the girl Jonah’s hitting on, his painting is a “piece of sh*t.”
Girls Jonah’s hitting on with art-related pickup lines: “You kind of are a work of art. I’d love to nail you up against a wall.” Jesus, Jonah.
Dan: Because he and Jonah seem to have bonded, and it’s freaking me out.
Andrew: He fluffs and then he f**ks. He buys Selina a new black Porsche before telling her he bought it with Catherine’s trust fund. He takes her to Cap d’Antibes for, in Gary’s words, “kerazzzzy intercourse” before informing her he’s sold their second home. The revelation in tonight’s episode was that the company jointly owned by the couple has been donating to both Democratic and Republican super PACs, which is a bit like Joe Biden hedging his bets and sending $50 to Mitt Romney in 2012. It’s awkward.
“Incorruptible tribunes of the free press, please enjoy this Finnish breakfast.” (Mike)
“All you ever want for these kids is to be happy, healthy, and to stay out of Middle East politics. Two out of three isn’t bad.” (Selina)
“Gary! Deflower the room!” (Selina)
“Just because my last name rhymes with liar? How lucky am I that I’m not Selina Mapist or Selina Medophile?” (Selina)
“I’m gonna be the sexiest woman to ever exude fiscal prudence.” (Selina)
“Still running marathons? I’m surprised you’ve got any nipples left.” (Andrew)
“Twilight really is the most dangerous time for traffic.” (Andrew)
“Okay. I feel like you’re actually going to have sex on the table, and that would truly ruin my birthday.” (Catherine)
“I work hard and I play hard, bitch. That’s my credo. I got that sh*t tattooed on my d*ck with room to spare.” (Jonah)
“Jonah, you’re Frankenstein’s monster, if his monster was made entirely of dead dicks.” (Ed)