Travesty: The New Starbucks “Cherry Blossom” Frappuccino Actually Tastes Like Strawberries.

We do not recommend this beverage. It sits on a throne of lies.

Intrepid reporters that we are, upon hearing about the new “Cherry Blossom” Frappuccino that area Starbucks were whipping up just in time for Tourist Season peak bloom, we set out to the nearest location to sample what we were sure would be a springtime bonanza come to life inside our mouths.

This was not the case.

For the benefit of our Greater Washington audience, we present our unfiltered thoughts on this local tragedy, which is available through Sunday.

Starbucks Cherry Blossom Frappuccino, A Review

Hillary: So. First things first, this “cherry blossom” Frappucino is neither made with cherry blossoms nor is it aFrappucino
[3:55] (Rhode Island is neither a road nor an island. Discuss)
Ben:  No. It’s not even cherry-flavored.
Hillary: It’s not even close to cherry flavored. And they didn’t even go the fruit snacks route and just make it “red flavor”
[3:55] Red flavor is, btw, often delicious.
[3:55] I coulda been down with red flavor.
Ben: Yeah, generic “fruit punch” would have been fine.
Hillary: They coulda slapped the Kool-Aid guy on the side of the cup for nostalgia points!
Ben: Although I’m glad it’s not actually called  that, because “fruit punch” sounds kind of disgusting.
[3:56] in the context of a mostly-dairy drink
Hillary: I initially disagreed, but yeah, thinking of it that way, fruit punch mixed with milk? ew
[3:57] Then there is the matcha situation
Ben: Yeah, you can’t taste it at all.
Hillary: Nope. I mean, I guess it’s there for the health-boost idea, but the matcha is like that third guy in Nirvana. Nobody remembers exactly who he is or why he was there.*
 Hillary: It does give it a nice green sprinkle, which is, I guess, springish, or something.
[3:59] That dude looks like how my mouth felt when I took my first sip
[3:59] Maybe it’s because we aren’t Frappucino people, but this thing punched my in goddam tongue
Ben: Hey, before we get too deep into Nirvana-bashing, it should be noted that Krist Novoselic is now an accomplished election-reform activist.
Hillary: For real?
[4:01] Are you madly googling, Ben?
Ben: Well, the activism is real. But I don’t think he’s accomplished that much.
Hillary: (hold on, have to run into a meeting. ugh. brb)
Ben: No. I’ve been pitched on his activism before. (Though yes, I did use Google to spell-check his name.)
Hillary: OK. I’m back. And I’ve decided what this tastes like. It’s a scratch and sniff sticker come to life.
Ben: Ha, yes!
[4:08] I still think it tastes like a strawberry shake that’s been left out too long.
Hillary: Or the freezer-burned leftover strawberry part of the store-brand “Neapolitan” ice cream
[4:09] Nobody ever ate that part
[4:09] Why wasn’t there just chocolate and vanilla mix?
Ben: No. Maybe they made a bad milkshake with it.
[4:09] There is chocolate and vanilla mix.
Hillary: Damn. Why didn’t anyone tell my mom about it?
Ben: And yet I am still drinking mine. The flavor is so overpowering.
Hillary: Well I feel like, for scientific purposes, we need to get through at least half of this
Ben: I guess I forgot how intense Frappuccinos are. I really don’t think I’ve had any since high school.
HillaryAlthough the whipped cream has entirely melted into mine and that still hasn’t improved it much.
Ben: Yeah, it’s not helping.
Hillary: So let’s be clear here: this tastes like an amalgamation of a cheesy date scene in a rom com: strawberries, white chocolate, and whipped cream. All it needs is a $10 bottle of champagne topping.
Ben: Maybe. But I’m not even sure this would be better if it was alcoholic.
Hillary: And yet! The people will fall for it.
[4:12] I mean, we did.
Ben: Yes, the people will totally go for it!
[4:13] So, I’m not a Starbucks regular, but one of my strongest Starbucks memories is being in line behind the person who orders a Frappuccino.
[4:13] Especially in the morning.
Hillary: It’s ice cream masquerading as breakfast
[4:14] Which sounds like it should work, but somehow doesn’t
Ben: Yeah, ice cream for breakfast is one of those things you only do when you sleep really late on the weekend and have no other food in the house.
[4:15] …Or so my friends who have done that tell me.
Hillary: I’m not opposed to the general idea. I am, however, ardently opposed to this concoction which has now fully melted and has now taken on the color of breast milk
Ben: Mine hasn’t melted totally yet, but it’s getting there.
[4:18] I don’t think I can drink anymore though.
Hillary: These cost us 9 bucks, Ben.
Ben: How much did they cost Starbucks? Nine cents?
[4:19] They are going to sell so many of them.
Hillary: What a crock. If you’re going to offer us cherry blossom treats, at least flavor them like Halls throat lozenges, Starbucks!
[4:19] This tastes like a My Little Pony
[4:19] Now I’m just getting furious
Ben: When My Little Pony characters barf, this is what comes out.
Hillary: ?
[4:21] I have still have enough in there that’s fuller than the spot where they wrote our names on them, but I think I’m out.
Ben: Same here.
Hillary: Meet at the trashcan?
Ben: Sorry, was looking for the vomit emoji. There is no vomit emoji.
*Andrew Beaujon sent us the following note regarding Nirvana: “Do you mean the fourth member of Nirvana (Pat Smear)? Krist Noveselic was really important to their sound!” We regret the error. 

Staff Writer

Benjamin Freed joined Washingtonian in August 2013 and covers politics, business, and media. He was previously the editor of DCist and has also written for Washington City Paper, the New York Times, the New Republic, Slate, and BuzzFeed. He lives in Adams Morgan.

Design & Style Editor

Hillary writes about interiors, real estate, arts, and culture. She is the former digital media editor of The New Republic, and her work has also been published in Glamour, The New York Times Book Review, and The Washington Post, among others. You can follow her on Instagram @hillarylouisekelly or on Pinterest @hlkelly.