News

Food Money Sex: Hungover McDonald’s, Weed Gummies and Spiked Seltzers, and a Mid-Party Make-Out Session

In Food Money Sex, we ask anonymous Washingtonians to diary the food they ate, the money they spent, and the sex they had over the course of their weekends. Then we put it on the internet. Want to share your weekend? Email Mimi Montgomery at mmontgomery@washingtonian.com. This week:

Does: Government consultant, 25
Lives: NoMa, with a roommate and a cat
Is: Female
Makes: $65,000
Married? Lol, no. Very single.

Food:

Friday:

I wake up after going to two work holiday parties the night before. I know I got sick before I went to bed, but the rest of the night is fuzzy, as is my head. Maybe the fuzz is actually a pounding. I chug the bottle of water I left on my nightstand (drunk me always take care of sober me, bless her) eat a weed gummy, and then quickly throw up said water and gummy not long after. I eat a gluten-free waffle from Trader Joe’s with nothing on it and settle in to watch Netflix and get high all day. Hangovers are not fun for me. Once I’m feeling better, I raid the fridge for any snacks and end up with gluten-free pretzels and a clementine. Things are clearly going well for me. I’m going to Hook Hall with friends tonight, so my roommate (let’s call her C) and I eat hummus and chips while we get ready. Once at the bar, I’m starved and begging the bartender for information on their food menu. I’m told twice that they don’t serve food before someone finally points me to the food truck out front. I order two large pretzels for myself and my two friends. I wish I’d gotten three.

Saturday:

I’m not sure I’m going to have time to work out this morning, as I’m having plants delivered from Facebook Marketplace at 11 AM. Because of that, I whip up two pieces of avocado toast with scrambled eggs and watch Friends while I eat. My Aldi shopper accidentally sent vanilla flavored almond milk, which I didn’t realize until after I made my scrambled eggs. I add more salt to cover the taste. Seriously, things are going so well for me this weekend. Turns out I can work out this morning since the plant lady arrived early! I get ready and eat a granola bar on the way. After class, I get home and C is making guacamole; she’s amazing and I don’t deserve her. I eat a few bites. For dinner, C and I order &pizza (I get classic pepperoni with hot honey and soy cheese. I’m lactose intolerant and C is gluten-free and dairy-free. &pizza is one of the best fast casual pizza places that has GF and DF options.) and watch The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel before getting ready for yet another holiday party. I eat a few bites of hummus and chips, chug half of a Truly, and only drink Trulys the rest of the night. 

Sunday:

I get home at 4 AM and eat a slice of &pizza while smoking. I then pass out and wake up at 8:45 AM. Eat the rest of the &pizza and smoke again. When C wakes up, she makes us a divine breakfast of soy chorizo and egg breakfast tacos. I almost cry when she puts it in front of me but pull myself together. I don’t need tears on my tacos. Around noon when C and I have sort of recovered, we walk two blocks to the closest McDonald’s and order our body weight in chicken nuggets, French fries, and Diet Coke. I’m not even mad about this choice—at least we walked there and got some fresh air. For dinner, I have 30 percent off at UberEats so C and I get wings (medium sauce) and tots from Duffy’s. The wings are insanely too spicy for me and I’m actually in tears over this meal, just for the wrong reasons. Gluten-free, dairy-free sugar cookie dough for dessert rounds out my food for the week. Maybe I need to reevaluate my food choices over the weekend? 

Money:

Friday:

Uber to Hook Hall (split, $4), pretzels and beers ($87, friends will Venmo me later)

Don’t Miss Another Big Story—Get Our Weekend Newsletter

Our most popular stories of the week, sent every Saturday.

Or, see all of our newsletters. By signing up, you agree to our terms.

Saturday:

Plants from Facebook Marketplace ($130 total, but I only paid $65 on Saturday), socks at barre class since mine got soaked in the rain ($16), &pizza (free! C is a doll), Uber to holiday party (split, $4)

Sunday:

McDonald’s to save my soul ($9.56), Duffy’s ($20.47)

Total: $206.03

Sex: 

Friday:

I was so hungover Friday morning that I attempted (unsuccessfully) to watch porn and cure my pain. Gave up after a few minutes because moving my arm was too much work.

Saturday:

I went to this holiday party having absolutely no interest in talking to anyone but my friends and promptly going home before midnight. Sometime around my personal party cut-off time, a friend pulls me aside and asks if I’d be interested in a man. Let’s call him J. I am baffled, since J and I have spoken maybe six words to each other, but he’s cute and I’m sad and single after recently breaking up with my boyfriend of five years, so why not? Before I know it, J has found me upstairs and pushes me up against a wall for a steamy mid-party make-out. We move towards the stairs and continue making out and I hear someone downstairs say they can see a “couple in a tight embrace,” so we head back downstairs. The party gets busted, so J and I leave with my friends to go to a bar. It’s cold and raining and the line is out the door, so he and I decide to go back to his place. We’re both fairly drunk and I’m cross-faded, but J is better than most and goes down on me for a record amount of time. No one is doing anything to completion tonight, we’ve decided, but that doesn’t stop us from fooling around. I valiantly blow J for a few minutes before he decides it’s not worth it. We spend the next two hours listening to our favorite songs and making out. Honestly, best hook-up I could have asked for.

Sunday:

Technically, my tryst with J lasted until 4 AM, so you could say things happened on Sunday. But nothing else occurs for me that day. I normally touch myself before bed because it helps me sleep, but since I got four hours of sleep, I fall asleep not needing it. Good riddance to this weekend. 

Associate Editor

Mimi Montgomery joined Washingtonian in 2018. She previously was the editorial assistant at Walter Magazine in Raleigh, North Carolina, and her work has appeared in Outside Magazine, Washington City Paper, DCist, and PoPVille. Originally from North Carolina, she now lives in Adams Morgan.