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Craigslisting: Seeking “All-American Partiers” in Dupont
If you love America and substance abuse, this is the ad for you.
It may be Valentine’s Day, but sometimes the relationship you need to focus on is the one with the people you like to get drunk with. That’s the theme of a Craigslist ad posted Thursday night under “rooms and shares,” helpfully titled, “Awesome People Needed” in Dupont Circle.
It’s not an ad for roommates—rather, the poster(s) are seeking to “cut the fat” from their social circle, replacing the people who’ve committed the egregious error of choosing their DVR over drunken raging with those who can go HAM from Friday to Monday without blacking out (or at least being the “fun/crazy” kind of blackout).
The good news: Guys and girls can both apply, as long as you’re attractive, don’t brew your own beer, and are willing to put down the bottle o’ Beam long enough to hit the gym on the reg. You don’t even have to be American! (Though a love of the USA is required.)
The bad news: Ladies, if you’re looking for a boyfriend from this, you’re out of luck—they “have stellar OK Cupid, Tinder, and Hinge accounts for that.” Fellas, leave those Ed Hardy T-shirts at home, because when you hang with these bros, “90 percent of the time you’ll be wearing a collar. Exceptions include day-longs where sleeveless is preferred (gotta let the pythons breath [sic]).”
We assume this ad is fake but would love to be proved wrong. Did you post this or know who did? Have you replied and gotten a response? E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.
The full text of the ad is below.
Our current friends on a Friday night like to stay at home with a beer or glass of wine and watch OnDemand on a Friday night. They would rather have a nice time at a friend’s apartment for NYE than an crazy 6 hour open bar with multiple DJ’s and dancefloors. They turn down an all day barcrawl to read books, or take it easy from the night before, or brew beer. Beer is for drinking last time I checked, I let professionals brew my beer.
It left us no choice but to: 1) Cut the Fat from our social circle
2) Reach out for All-American Partiers
Wanted: Friends that will partake in awesome stuff. We go to the bars and rip shots with bartenders, go to raging parties on Friday nights that shutdown because its Monday morning and everyone is going to work, see sick concerts with some form of substance enhancement, because that is what we do.
Bros: You drink Evan Williams.
Note: Other liquors will be drank if necessary, but we’re men, we drink whiskey.
Take pride in your appearance. If your closest is full of Ed Hardy t-shirts, you need not apply. Basically if you’re partying with us, 90% of the time you’ll be wearing a collar. Exceptions include day-longs where sleeveless is preferred (gotta let the pythons breath), or sporting events, or if we’re stealing shows at a themed party.
You lift weights, your body needs to be a temple. If you never have we can train you if you fit our other credentials. We’ve done Tough Mudders and marathons. No slumming.
Chicks: Attractiveness is necessary. Working out should be in your regimen. If you’re blessed with a natural beauty, god bless.
Hot friends are a plus. We’re not looking for girlfriends here. We have stellar OK Cupid, Tinder, and Hinge accounts for that.
You can handle daydrinking. You like to party on the weekends. Nuff said.
(Warning: When you blackout you need to be one of those more fun/crazy blackouts, not messy/we have to take care of you blackouts. Be an adult and hold your own.)
Mad bonus points if you can swing free drinks at bars from dudes just ‘cause. That is legit.
For Both: YOU LOVE AMERICA. Maybe you’re not American and that’s fine. We live in a major international hub. But you’re here for a reason so you better love living here.
If the idea of attending a multi day music festival, a horse race, or an all day tailgate appeals to you than you’re in the right place.
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