Disclaimer: This column is not for everyone, especially young readers, as it contains detailed descriptions of sexual activity.
In Food Money Sex, we ask anonymous Washingtonians to diary the food they ate, the money they spent, and the sex they had over the course of their weekends. On Mondays, we put it on the internet. This week:
- Does: Pharmaceutical Sales Rep, 28
- Lives: Columbia Heights with the husband and two dogs (working on a third)
- Is: Female
- Makes: $90,000
- Married? Married, how boring.
- Friday: I wake up to my newest rescue burrowing into my chest with a ferocity that rivals my college boyfriend. Then, unlike Johnny, he sneezes into my mouth. Moment ruined, but at least I’m up for the day. Our other dog leisurely stretches right on top of my husband’s head. We have a chihuahua-yorkie mix and a pug. I take them out (the dogs, not my husband) for a long walk. After mixing an elaborate and ridiculous breakfast for the dogs, I brew coffee with my new and ultra-hipster Chemex. Thanks to DC for normalizing absurd dog indulgences and avant-garde ways to make simple tasks more difficult. I can’t start my day without Trader Joe’s Mango Yogurt and I inhale it while trying to figure out why my coffee is always too much of something—too watery? Too strong? Who knows #thatchemexlife. Lunch is always up to whichever doctors’ office I am visiting; Today was a good day and I celebrated their choice of Panda Express with some orange chicken and steamed veggies. As the number one fan of Plated, I saved our soy-glazed steak with crispy Brussels sprouts and yuzu vinaigrette for tonight and am thoughtfully paring it with a Lazy Bones red blend from Trader Joe’s. Husband refuses to drink red, so he pairs less thoughtfully with DC Brau. Why is red wine and steak extra delicious on a cold night? Unclear, but I definitely get into a bottle and a half as we binge the newest season of Narcos.
- Saturday: Because I enjoy torturing my hungover body, I hit an early Hot Vinyasa class at my yoga studio. When I get back to the apartment, the dogs have to go out and I need some avocado toast in my life. I brew more coffee with this damn Chemex and toast some TJ’s whole grain bread, smashing up a ripe avocado with some lime and red pepper flakes. Last minute, I decide this need in my life must include a poached egg on top. I get to boiling some water with a splash of vinegar (hot cooking tip for ya!). Husband rolls into the kitchen and makes the most hideous omelet I’ve ever seen while mainlining OJ. If having two dogs, an overpriced condo, and being viciously hungover on a Saturday isn’t adulting, then I don’t know what is. Somehow scored a table at Hazel last minute so I skip lunch to physically and emotionally prepare for dinner. I am NOT disappointed—YES to the beets, steak tartar, chicken, gnocchi and sticky ribs. It’s still cold out and I still want red wine so I order the cabernet blend then I order it again and again. We Uber home and I break into a TJ’s dark chocolate bar with hazelnuts and pour another glass of wine. I take one sip of before abandoning it and falling asleep on the couch covered in dogs.
- Sunday: Sundays are for Union Market. Period. We usually make it over there by eleven and I immediately get into line at Perigrine Espresso for a much-needed latte. Then I vacillate between Takorean, Toasted and Bergen Bagels for so long that my husband storms off on his own. Good riddance—more space for decision making. Pull the trigger on three carnitas tacos at Takorean and reunite with the husband at a table somewhere near the front. After the market I insist on visiting the DC Humane Society and fall in love roughly 16 times. I feel I am very close to wearing my husband down and will soon actualize on my goals of having a small pack of dogs around me at all times. Eagles game tonight—I usually wear my headphones and catch up on Outlander on my iPad while sharing the couch, but tonight we are hosting a watch party. Husband cooks elaborate and incredibly messy spread: Philly cheesesteak sliders, brisket and mac and cheese as well as cutting up a variety of veggies to serve with hummus. I switch to Kono Sauv Blanc for the night, since actual people are coming over who will be looking at my teeth.
Friday: While waiting for lunch at my doctor’s office to be delivered, I pull the trigger on my mom’s Christmas present (paper flowers from Paper Rose Co. for $145) as well as matching DC bar-themed art from the Lewes Lettering Co. Etsy store for $90 (seriously, check this DC print out, it’s incredible). I also realize I don’t like any of the shoes I own and swing by the DSW in Georgetown only to remember I am supposed to be shopping for Christmas and not myself ($0).
- Saturday: Husband picks up the dinner tab, reminding me of what a gentleman he is. Yoga was part of my membership and thanks to a Rent the Runway subscription my total spend today was $0!
Sunday: The carnitas tacos and a 2% latte came to $21.58. Holding dogs and receiving sloppy, wet kisses (also from the dogs): completely priceless.
- Total: $256.58
- Friday: Husband delightfully shows off morning wood while I put leashes on the dogs. Marriage is a magical experience and everyone should try it. I’m back in 20 minutes because my dog went on a pee strike. I wake my husband up by mashing my frozen face into his belly and my icicle hands down his pants. Romance, y’all. He complains and thrashes around, but as I warm up the thrashing gets more fun. We take it into the bathroom where the shower turns up the heat even further and we bang doggy style so I can watch in the mirror. One and done for today, kids. In the immortal words of Dan Savage: fuck first.
- Saturday: Enjoying leisurely afternoon sex while being stared at by two little dogs is a feat I am not ashamed to say that I have conquered multiple times. Rescue dog separation anxiety is a real thing guys. Plus, laughter during sex is highly encouraged as we all know from Shonda Rhimes’s shows—of which I am a connoisseur. If Grey’s Anatomy or Scandal has one lesson for us it s that steamy romance goes hand-in-hand with laughter. Husband breaks out a favorite toy of mine resulting in happiness and joy.
- Sunday: On that morning sex flow today, I always wake up feeling thinner and the husband is usually ready to go. Try out some stuff he saw while watching porn but get a weird cramp in my leg and swap back to something more vanilla. He finishes and hops in the shower while I go back for round two. After everyone left for the night we try valiantly to get something going, but mutually agree an Eagles win was climactic enough.
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