As the countdown to Christmas speeds up, people in Trumpworld are here to remind you of the real reason for the season: branded gifts. Are you still scrambling to fill the stockings of family and friends you only sort of like? People in the President’s orbit have you covered. Here are seven products currently being hawked by Donald Trump’s circle just in time for that Trump Foundation going-out-of-business sale.
A literal “Roger” stone from longtime Trump associate Roger Stone
Yes, Roger Stone is selling signed rocks to his fans. It’s an effort to mitigate the the costs of the legal fees he’s incurred thanks to Robert Mueller’s probe on Russian interference in US politics. Stone describes his masterpiece as “an exact replica of the stone that David used to take down Goliath.” I’m no Biblical scholar, but I don’t quite recall quite as much fraud and conspiratorial undertones in the Book of Samuel.
$8 (on sale!)
Trump gold bar coin bank
Need a place to store your cash that the FBI might neglect to search when it raids your office? Consider this bank supposedly modeled after authentic bullion. “A fun statement piece that is unique and sure to attract notice” says the Trump Organization, though some members of that company would probably enjoy a little less attention in the New Year.
$25 from the Trump Organization’s official store
Deplorable Choir T-shirt
I’m still trying to get the shrill and chilling hook of the Deplorable Choir’s “Can You Say Winning?” out of my head, and I bet your least favorite coworker can’t either. Treat the music hater in your life to this shirt from their favorite unlistenable YouTube group.
$20 from the Deplorable Choir store
Donald Trump devotional candle
Has the Etsyfication of gifts gone too far? Illuminidol promises its Donald Trump devotional candle is “The most divine way to bless any Donald Trump disciple!” Maybe we should order a case for Michael Flynn.
$15 from Illuminidoll
#MAGA dog leash
Donald Trump doesn’t have a pet, but maybe your Russian cousin who’s been borrowing some of your Facebook data does! This stocking stuffer doubles as half of a great gag gift—just lasso one of Roger Stone’s rocks and drag it around the Trump Hotel lobby.
$16 from the official Donald J. Trump store
Tuition to American University Graduate School
Give the gift of education this holiday season. Your lucky recipient can follow in the footsteps of Maria Butina, American University grad student and DC’s very own home-grown Russian government operative. While the gift may seem hefty, a quality education means the indictment will pay for itself.
InfoWars “Survival Shield X3” drops
Have a colleague who spouts off conspiracy theories to the office ficus plant? Is he worried that the federal government is watching him through the butter-stained microwave? Just order him some of fearmonger Alex Jones’s InfoWars-branded survival…drops? I have no idea what “Nascent Tri-Iodine” is, but it seems like the opposite of anything you could buy on Goop, which should be enough to brighten any troll’s holiday season.
$20 (on sale!) from the InfoWars Life store