Because there isn’t enough going on in the universe right now, the final presidential debate is taking place at 9 PM EST Thursday in Tennessee, moderated by NBC’s Kristen Welker. Hooray. The debate commission has made changes designed to make this week’s debate more civil, such as muting the candidates’ mikes when their opponent is giving an opening statement on a new topic. All I have to say is that we once installed a very expensive and elaborate electric fence system to keep our dog in the yard, and he ran through it whenever compelled to do so.
In sum, grab some booze and a trash can: You’re going to have to power through this one.
Print out your game card here.
Before It Starts
Question whether you need to watch it. Seriously. Nothing is stopping you from killing half a bottle of red wine, binging Schitt’s Creek, and conking out at 10 PM. If you feel tuning in is your patriotic duty, perhaps consider whether our 2020 Self-Care Presidential Debate Not-Drinking Game would be a better fit at this point in time. If you’re a masochistic shell of a human clutching a shrapnel of hope that our nation won’t explode in a glorious blaze of partisanship, addicted to the doomchurn of the news cycle, desperately trying to block out the erosion of our democratic norms while remaining an informed citizen, then welcome, friend. Play on.
Drink When Trump
- Interrupts Biden
- Boasts about his personal victory over the coronavirus
- Brings up the New York Post Hunter Biden story
- Fails to denounce conspiracy theorists, white supremacists, armed militias, anti-maskers, dictators, totalitarians, murderers, and tax dodgers (exempting himself)
- Lies (Warning: advanced version. Side effects include headache, dizziness, slurred speech, nausea, vomiting, and in rare cases death)
Drink When Biden
- Starts a sentence with “look”
- Brings up Trump’s tax returns
- Uses “systemic racism,” “police reform,” or “Black Lives Matter” as buzzwords
- Hems and haws on what his climate change plan is
- Calls Trump a Joe Biden insult (i.e. “clown,” “joker,” “full of malarkey,” or similar)
Drink When Either
- Says “the United States of America”
- Fails to answer the question posed to them
- Changes direction mid-sentence
Chug For Five Seconds When
- Either candidate is on such a wild tangent you forget what topic they’re supposed to be debating
- Kristen Welker fails to keep a candidate within his time frame
Finish Your Drink/Take A Shot If
- A close contact of either candidate is announced Covid-positive mid-debate
- Trump says the pandemic is over
Or, Print This Card To Play Bingo
Illustration by Hannah Good