Remember when you used to be able to just go to a movie? Back in the halcyon days
when sodas weren’t the size of a small car (and didn’t have the same price tag), actors
took on roles for sums smaller than the GDP of Romania, and the first you heard about
the new
Star Trek movie was when you read a review of it in
Variety (sigh, print media)?
Well, those days are long gone, and since we’re unable to avoid the hype for Baz Luhrmann’s
new
Great Gatsby adaptation, we might as well break down the five most ridiculous promotional tie-ins
with the movie, which comes out this week. What’s that you mutter about a Washington
connection? Well, F. Scott Fitzgerald is buried in Rockville, so there’s that.
5) The Great Gatsby Video Game: All right, so
this one isn’t strictly a movie tie-in
(although it’s gone all sorts of viral this week as
anticipation about seeing Leonardo
DiCaprio wearing a pocket square builds to a pitch only bats
can hear). But this one,
at
Slate,
is, and it’s frustrating and silly. JUST LET ME ROW TO THE
AMERICAN DREAM, DAMMIT.
4) The hosiery: There are literally TENS of occasions where I’ve been watching a film only to stop
and wonder where the stars got their pantyhose (The Rocky Horror Picture Show springs immediately to mind). Luckily, with
The Great Gatsby, if you love the stockings that Carey et al. are wearing, you can purchase them for
the bargain price of $75 to $110 from Fogal.
3): The official tie-in book: Random House Australia is so proud of the fact that it gets to publish the “official
film tie-in version” of
The Great Gatsby that it sent out a press
release
about it. Hey, Random House? You know this was a book FIRST,
right? You know this
isn’t like the time someone novelized
The Sixth Sense?
The
Penguin
cover of
The Great Gatsby is perfect, so if you’re the kind of person who’d rather buy an issue with Isla Fisher
pouting on it, then good luck to you. Just don’t come crying to me when you find out
there’s no character named Beyoncé.
2) The $200,000 Tiffany headpiece: Its total carat weight is 25.04. It costs more than many
Midwestern houses. But it
features a detachable brooch, so think how useful it’ll be come
Hamptons season! There’s
also a “fancy” yellow diamond
ring
inspired by
The Great Gatsby on sale for $385,000 and a
flower-shaped diamond
ring
that’s a steal at $875,000. This is why the terrorists hate us.
1) The Trump Hotel’s Great Gatsby package: What’s more ridiculous than someone buying an $875,000 ring because a movie told them
to? Donald Trump. I’m currently caught in an ouroboros-like dilemma, because half
of me wants to deprive The Donald of the oxygen of publicity in the hopes he’ll eventually
disappear to the same bouffant-friendly island as Elvis, and half of me wants to tell
you about the $14,999 three-night stay at Trump New York for people who really, really
love Baz Luhrmann adaptations of great American novels. So you win, Donald. For a
dollar less than 15 grand, you, too, can stay in a suite with views of Central Park
and dine at Jean-Georges. Even better: Ladies get a lovely Art Deco cuff designed
by Ivanka Trump (and it comes with a personal note signed by Ivanka herself), and
gents get cufflinks and a custom-tailored shirt and suit from Bergdorf’s. Know what
else you could do for $14,999? Rent this three-bedroom house in Southampton for the
month of July and live the Gatsby dream.
I’ll send you a personalized note. Seriously.
