In 5 Reasons Why Dying Alone Is Probably Better Than Going on This Date, we ask anonymous Washingtonians to chronicle their tragic attempts at romance in the city. On Fridays, we put it on the internet. This week:
- Does: Project Manager, 27
- Lives: 14th Street
- Is: Female
- Relationship history, in one word: Tragic
On a date with:
- Does: Chef (maybe), 28
- Is: Male
So how did you meet him?
I met him when I was grabbing a drink with a friend. She was in town for the weekend so I took a day off work to just hang out. We were sitting outside at a restaurant midday and he walked by and began chatting with us.
Where did you go?
He told me to meet him at the Four Seasons, which has a really nice restaurant and bar. He told me he cooked for the Saudi princesses when they came to stay at the Four Seasons. Little did I know he literally meant meet there, because we did. And then we promptly walked away and down the block to his restaurant. By “his restaurant,” I mean the kebob place where he works as a line cook.
What are the five reasons dying alone is probably better than going on this date?
- He shrunk. He was a full foot shorter than I remembered when I met him. My heels didn’t help the situation. I felt like a GIANT the entire time, even when we were sitting.
- When he said he wanted to invite me to dinner, I assumed we would both be eating. This was not the case. He had “just woken up” at 3 pm (it was 7pm) and he wasn’t hungry. So I sat there eating alone as he watched me. No soul should have to endure this kind of torture.
- After taking about 5 bites and saying I was full, we went to this rooftop bar, which was actually really cool. It had an awesome view of Georgetown and I made a mental note to have some man I actually like take me there.
- I know foreign guys like to throw out lines and be overly cutesy, so I was expecting that to some degree, but this guy would not stop. Some of the gems I didn’t happen to wipe from my memory are listed below:
- “You are like the Moon” (Did he just call me fat?)
- “If I ever stop looking at you it will be because I have gone blind” (Is this a threat?)
- “I think that I could be forever with you” (Please God no.)
- “Can you imagine how beautiful our children would be?” (Speechless.)
- “I would like to see you tomorrow, and Wednesday and Thursday and forever” (I’m busy.)
- “I feel like I have known you forever” (You haven’t.)
- “I will start loving you” (No thank you.)
- “I will follow you around the world” (Again, is this a threat?)
- “You are the sweetest girl I have ever met” (You must not know me very well.)
- “I have a feeling we will be together forever” ( ) < That is silence because I jumped off the rooftop at that point.
- He added me on Facebook and began liking so many of my pictures and many were from two years ago. Which should speak for itself.
Want to be featured in our search for DC’s worst date? Introduce yourself in an email to eplott@washingtonian.com.
Elaina Plott joined Washingtonian in June 2016 as a staff writer. She has written about her past life as an Ann Coulter fangirl, how the Obamas changed Washington, and the rise and fall of Roll Call. She previously covered Congress for National Review. Her writing has appeared in the New York Observer, GQ, and Harper’s Bazaar.
