News & Politics

5 Ways to Avoid Watching Election Results Tonight

If all else fails, go to jail.

Image via iStock.

Still traumatized from the 2016 presidential elections? Are you allergic to the wails of staffers and keen to avoid the streams of stricken Washingtonians practicing their best Edvard Munch impressions at your neighborhood bar? Here’s how to best avoid the election results (and the resulting fallout) tonight:

Book a really long massage

The Well is a New Age, full-treatment wellness center that offers everything from reiki to psychotherapy, and it offers a two-hour therapeutic massage for $140. You can relax within the soothing white walls and atmospheric ambience for the night–nothing can hurt you now. Bonus point: If you tag the Well in a social media post featuring an “I Voted” sticker, you can tack on extra 15 minutes to your massage for free! 3220 17th St., NW.

Attend a play

It might be too late to physically leave town, but you can still transport yourself away in spirit. The Kennedy Center will present the glittering Anastasia, where you can watch the former grand duchess of Russia traipse around a technicolor 1920s Paris. Or you can travel to a fictional northern English town at the Signature Theatre in Arlington, where 11-year-old Billy Elliot says no to the mines and yes to the ballet. 2700 F St., NW; 4200 Campbell Ave., Arlington

Sneak into a restaurant

There are some DC restaurants that are notoriously difficult to get into. Our food writers Jessica Sidman and Anna Spiegel suggest some spots where you may have better luck tonight: Himitsu, Bad Saint, Rose’s Luxury, Maydan, Izakaya Seki, Thip Kao, the Dabney, and Tiger Fork.

Walk the monuments

Use the elections as an excuse to take a nighttime jaunt to one of our most isolated major monuments, the Jefferson Memorial.  Or, if you have relatively good night vision, check out Theodore Roosevelt Island–this peaceful forested getaway is open until 10 PM.

Get arrested

If all else fails, there’s one place you’ll probably be safe from John King‘s energetic polling analyses. Try to get a friend to bail you out before the drunken election night losers come rolling in.

Editorial Fellow